vital organs may soon rupture

My brain and heart (ok, the heart is an organ - what's the brain? a muscle? this is why I'm a lawyer, not a doctor people! let's just give me poetic licence and consider both vital organs - at least we can agree to their vitality, right?) may soon burst with the number of topics and stories and misadventures I want to share via my blog. Unfortunately, however, my "professional responsibility" (i.e. billing a certain number of hours a year) has taken over the last few months of my life and so I have been thinking about all sorts of things I could be writing, but have yet to taken the time to do so. I will try to post some things soon so that my brain and heart remain intact ... worst case, I'll try to make it a 2010 "resolution" to get on here and lament my misadventures more often.

why I "quit" eharmony

I know that an update is long overdue, and I will get to it eventually. For now, I figured I'd post this email I just received from an eharmony wooer I started communicating with over gmail right before I "quit" eharmony (ok, I didn't "quit" so much as I let my subscription lapse, but for some reason I feel compelled to call it "quitting"). We'll call this guy "berry guy" since he works for driscoll farms. I must admit, I love their raspberries and blueberries, and find it fascinating that his job is international marketing for the blueberry division, which allows him to travel to places like Chile ... but other than thinking, "what a super cool job!" I'm not that intrigued by this guy. Granted, we had nice email exchanges that covered a wide variety of topics (including Obama winning the Nobel prize, which he asked my opinion about and I gave him, and which I don't think he agreed with), but I felt like he was trying way too hard. By that I mean that he appeared to be trying too hard to come off as a world-traveler and empathetic to humanity and into living life just to live it and shit. Maybe the fact that I don't feel that way everyday makes me a bad person, but hey - I am what I am, and unfortunately I have to take care of my own crap, which means doing as much as I can in the rat race I'm currently stuck in.

Anyway, I didn't email him back a few weeks ago because we were exchanging these looooooooong emails and I didn't have time that week. He later wrote me on a Friday night asking for a last minute coffee or drink date on Saturday night, but I wasn't in town. I wrote back and apologized a few days later, but then I caught up with work and other things, and have yet to draft a novella in response to his last email. If I were interested, I'm sure I would have; however, his lengthy, slightly arrogant (?) emails, the fact that he lives a few hours away, and my personal opinion that he wasn't all that cute in his photos, resulted in me just putting it off. I suppose I had already decided I wasn't interested. I certainly didn't mean to be rude or ignore him, but time just got away from me. I suppose that's why today he sent me this:

Hey Blaire,


Hope you've had a good, if probably hectic, last couple of weeks. Gotta say it's too bad you let this go. I was looking forward to cooking dinner with you, testing those vaunted skills of yours. Anyhow, I used to let things fade away, but now try not to...so it was really was a pleasure getting to know you briefly, and wish you the best. Enjoy Hawaii.


Take care,


berry guy

See what I mean? Who uses the word "vaunted" in a random email? I just found it aggravating. Do I really care? No, not really - I am not interested in dating him or taking the effort to get to know him from afar, his attitude is off-putting, and he doesn't seem to be my type physically. Does this still bother me? Yeah, to an extent. I just don't understand the passive-aggressive thing. If we had met in person and dated a bit and I just blew him off, that would be one thing, but this was an Internet connection that never got past 4 or 5 emails so if it disappears, it disappears. Hell, one of the guys I went on two pretty good dates with from eharmony just never called me back, and did I call or email him with some passive aggressive crap? Nope. Nature of the online dating beast.

Which brings us back to why I quit eharmony.

3 day breast cancer walk, etc.

pictures from my team's fundraising and the walkkm itself - very fun times. :)

Click here to view these pictures larger

coming soon: an update!

I realize that I have not posted an entry for almost a month and a half - wow. Lots has happened in that time frame, which is probably why I have not posted lately: I'm too busy! I definitely need to get some stuff out of my system and into the virtual world so I'm sure a long post will be coming soon. For now, here are a few highlights:

- adopted a puppy.

- got a tattoo.

- had yet another "why don't you ever want to see me?" talk with modesto. we did not talk for over a month.

- went on several more dates with teacher, but decided that he was too one-dimensional, was quasi-condescending, and just didn't do it for me so we're now strictly soccer teammates.

- after five weeks of radio silence, modesto texted me. I decided to communicate with him, but of course this has reverted to him being MIA again. My sister is trying to give me tough love and tell me to ignore him, but that's not easy for me to do - it's not in my "nature."

- went out with guy 1 from eharmony. figured since I paid for the darn service, I might as well actually meet some people. he was cute, nice, funny, smart, athletic, and just turned 26. Used to be in the hospitality industry, now he's a cop. Doesn't really like it. Great date - nice dinner place, drinks at a hotel on the beach, etc., etc., etc. Still trying to find himself - in fact, on our date, he specifically mentioned that he has "no girlfriend, no mortgage, no kids - nothing tying me down, so maybe I should just up and leave, travel the world or through the U.S., do something crazy, you know..." Um, yeah, that's what a girl looking for a "partner" wants to hear on the first date. Turns out he didn't think the "chemistry" was there anyhow. Ok, moving on.

- went out with guy 2 from eharmony. (seriously, I'm over the eh thing, but it's all about getting your money's worth!) He wasn't my "type" - I almost ignored him - but my sister thought I should go for it. He was nice enough (blond, though, hence "not my type," haha), but from philly so he had a different value system than me. He's 35 - the oldest guy I've ever gone on a date with (oooh, maybe that's not "my type" either? burn!). He used to be a Yahoo programmer, was laid off early this year, and now runs his guitar-making business full time. Pretty sweet, right? I thought so, too, but he's moving up north soon, and I just didn't feel that "spark" (yes, despite the movie "He's Just Not That Into You," I still call it a spark) and although he asked me out again, I declined. I didn't decline permanently - I only said I was too tired to go to the movies. However (and this is what prompted me to drop a line on here), when I checked my new matches on eh tonight, he had closed me as a match! On Monday at 4:34 pm he "chose to permanently close communication" with me. Wow, that was abrupt - Sunday at 6pm he was asking me to a movie, and Monday at 4:34pm, he closed our match. He could have called or texted - he didn't have to close the situation so passive-aggressively.

Perhaps this is why boys who are dating online are single...?

- work is crazy. I won my first demurrer! It was the first one I wrote, the first I argued, and the first I won. Hooray! Also, am just really busy, which is good. I'm hoping to continue to fit in better in the high-pressure litigation world. Ugh.

- Was elected MVP of my co-ed soccer team. We're going to play again in the Fall, and I recruited my sis! Should be good times. I'll be on an indoor team, too.

Ok, must go to sleep. I head down to San Diego tomorrow to visit my friend Erin and also see Alicia, Javier, and their daughter Isabella, who I have yet to meet, even though she's almost two years old! Plus, Alicia just gave me the news that she's SIX MONTHS PREGGERS with baby #2! I can't believe it. More soon...

this post had better not jinx things

Having been absent from my blog for over four weeks, I just re-read my last post. I was not prepared for what I would see, because it had been long enough for me to forget what I had written. What I saw really amazed me - I pretty much stated that it was over with Modesto. I mean, I didn't say that, of course, but reading my July 1st post again, I was saying it. And good LORD I was screaming it about CIPA!! The guy responded to a text message I sent, and I thought it might mean something? Good grief. Being a girl really does suck. Here's the part I found the most interesting: the last paragraph. I shall re-quote it within this post, lest it be too difficult to look at the previous post:

Truth be told, neither of these guys is probably right for me. Supposedly, a guy who really likes me will make an effort to see me and make it known and all that good stuff. But when the options are limited, it's more fun to stir up something than to have nothing at all. And neither modesto nor CIPA are bad guys. They're just not giving me EVERYTHING that I want. In the meantime, though, I don't have a guy in my life that is giving me that EVERYTHING. And I don't mean that in the "here is my checklist of what a guy should have," either. We're talking bare-bones, dude and I get along well, have things in common, want to do things together, are attracted to each other, and actually see each other more than once every two months. That's my order.

Wow, right? I mean, W-O-W. I say "wow" because I obviously knew that both modesto and CIPA are/were lame. And that they weren't particularly adding anything to my life. And I set out my "order" right there, in my post.

11 days later, I decided to suck it up and join eHarmony in hopes of ending this time wasting with either of these guys, and maybe meeting someone nearby who met this description and wanted to spend time together. Oops?

Two days after subscribing to that, I overheard a soccer teammate talking about beer can racing. I talked over two other teammates to ask this teamate (we'll call him "teacher," since he's a third grade teacher) if he was talking about sailing. When he confirmed, I said "I love sailing!" and he said I should come out sometime. I thought teacher was merely being polite, but lo and behold, he emailed me that night asking me to sail with his dad and friends the next evening. How could I say no? An opportunity to sail, and also meet new people? Awesome! So I went for it. Then, as we were sailing, teacher said something to the effect of, "I can't believe how many people on our soccer team are married with kids," to which I replied, "Oh, I know - I totally joined the team to try to meet people and be social, and they're all married!" I was thinking to myself, "sweet, a single person to hang out with," and then he started talking about how his kids are going to have the best handwriting because he makes them practice all the time, etc. Then I was thinking, "kids? what kids? is he married? divorced with kids? darn it, not a new friend, after all. I guess this is just a nice sailing buddy, then." Shortly after that (much like the large waves on which we were sailing, this conversation was choppy - we would start and stop talking as we needed to tack back and forth through the bay), he mentioned loving summer break because he's a teacher, and then I realized that his "kids" were actually his third grade students. Game on!!

Throughout the sail, I hadn't really thought about what I was doing there and whether this was weird - I was just a girl from teacher's soccer team who liked to sail. But I had a GREAT time. It was gorgeous out, teacher and his father and friends were really nice and personable, and I enjoyed myself. Teacher and I had lots in common, as it turns out. He proposed beer and a bite, and I said of course. As we were leaving, teacher insisted that I take his iPod to listen to a band we'd been discussing (a love of great music gets me every time). Then, it hit me: had this transformed into a date? Panic did not set it, but I was curious...

Beer and a bite were great. Best time I had with a guy in a really long time. Teacher is intelligent, funny, well-read, and charasmatic. He actually talks as much as I do! We split the bill, and he walked me to my car. Now panic set in. I said a quick word or two and then was like, "well, I'd better go!" and teacher gave me a hug. Phew, I was saved - but was this a date? Ahhhh! The email from teacher 15 minutes later thanking me and including a "to-do list" based on our conversation that night made me think that maybe this was something...maybe.

Next day, we go to soccer practice. I'm the only girl. We play pick-up with randoms, then get beers. I impress teacher with my beer ordering skills, and my fallback choice (new castle) when sierra nevada is out. Teacher is intrigued, I am sure. Teacher mentions that he has to get home to play mariokart - the high school nerd in me is now intrigued. I want to play! Not this day, however...

Text messaging and emailing ensue for a few days. Teacher invites me to the A's game on Sunday. I semi-panic because I think this might be a date, but I'm still not sure. And I'm so exhausted from Kenny Chesney and Kole being annoying all night, I don't really have time to wonder. Plus, I'm comfortable around teacher so I'm not getting bijiggity. That's a nice feeling. After the game, I go to his place for a cold Dr. Pepper and some mariokart challenges. He didn't even let me win - I gave him a run for his money, though.

Things continue to go well and we talk almost daily. It's very nice. I had plans to go to Seattle last weekend so he came over late Thursday night as a surprise and watched Jimmy Fallon with me. He was concerned about coming over like that because he "really likes" me and "doesn't want to mess things up" - how's that for a surprise? Since when has a guy expressed something like that to me? Wow. I definitely agree with him and am enjoying just getting to know each other. We were both out of town for a few days so we didn't talk, but did text and email a bit - I'm afraid that once or twice our texts or emails have gotten misconstrued, which is a real risk of emailing or texting too much, I'm afraid...so I am going to minimize that.

The point of this post, which has turned into quite the ramble-fest, is to point out the irony of my current situation. I joined eHarmony and shelled out a good chunk of cash, and then started hanging out with this guy who had been right in front of me for almost a month. Hanging out with his guy is falling into place with that last paragraph from July 1st: I look forward to hearing from him; I do hear from him; more importantly, I look forward to seeing him and I do see him. For instance, I said: "supposedly, a guy who really likes me will make an effort to see me and make it known and all that good stuff." Teacher has invited me to do things, has driven over to see me, and has even told me straight out that he likes me and wants to see where this goes. Score! I also said: "dude and I get along well," that we "have things in common," and should "want to do things together." Talking a lot? Traveling? Camping? Music? Soccer? Beers? A's games? Mariokart? Score, Score, Score! And the most impressive of all - drumroll, please - I boldly suggested that I am looking for a relationship (yes, I said the "r" word) where we "actually see each other more than once every two months." Again, Score!

So this is going nicely. I actually feel kind of silly for writing it out, because I am really just going with the flow on this one and am liking the fact that it just is what it is. I just hope that my blogging about it doesn't go and jinx it...

boys are evil communication vixens

ok, so this whole modesto situation is getting silly, really. As my amazing friend Rox said in passing to me today, "what is his deal? he's wasting your time" (please note: I realize that other people, namely my baby sister, have expressed similar sentiments and I fully recognize that I have chosen to look past them). I've been thinking about that, and truly, I guess he kind of is. I mean, I'm emotionally invested. I would be all for being physically invested, yet he just doesn't put that extra effort in. We haven't seen each other since January. Yes, January. I feel like I've talked about this with him at least twice in earnest, now. He was in San Carlos for work last weekend and didn't think to tell me or ask to get together, and although he claims it's because he didn't know he would be there until 6am that day and didn't know where San Carlos was, it's not really an excuse. It reinforces the fact that he doesn't alter his plans/lifestyle to fit me in. We haven't hashed out these issues yet, although he groveled slightly, and I doubt we will tonight (I plan to drink a lot of wine with a friend and listen to jazz outside in a cute downtown neighborhood), but it's almost like, what's the point? I mean, he's obviously trying. But he's not trying enough. He wants me to know he cares, but he doesn't show it by making me a priority physically - only over the phone. I know I can't force my communication preferences or "relationship" preferences on someone, but not seeing each other in six months is a little ridiculous, and with him still in my life, I am not actively trying to meet other people. If others come up, I don't ignore them of course, but I'm not actively looking, either--and I'm not getting any younger.

Due to the above, I decided to go out on a limb and text cute IP attorney ("CIPA" for short?). I realize that texting is extremely passive, but in this case I decided that passive would suffice. He's passive. And either just really nice, completely obvlivious, or actually likes me, because he texted me back right away (god, I am SO drew barrymore in he's just not that into you right now! "he myspaced me"..."what about texter?"...grief. but at least CIPA and I had in-person interactions, too). Here is my breeziness:

Hey you! Coworker hasn't given it to me yet, but she told me you brought my jewelry to the pool party and I've been meaning to thank you. Hope all is well with you and you're enjoying summer (and the giants' decent record!). Would be nice to see you sometime!

Here is his completely ambiguous, utterly vague, yet reasonably instant response:

Things are good just got back from a quick fishing trip with my family so playing a little catchup but should slow down in a couple of weeks

What am I supposed to do with that? Timing of text (combined with length and amount of detail) suggests that he is just nice and responded because he felt obligated. Another option is that he is completely oblivious (as most guys are) to the fact that I'm a GIRL and am trying to get something out of this so his responding sends me false hope. Final option is, maybe he actually likes me. Even if this is the case, however, what do I do with his response? He tells me what he's up to, but doesn't suggest we get together (even though I gave him a chance to do so). On the other hand, he says that he's currently busy, but will be slowing down in the next few weeks, implying that he may be available to get together in the near future. Fascinating. Giving me just enough to wonder whether he's interested or not. Boys are evil communication vixens. And in all likelihood, they don't even know it - I can almost guarantee that CIPA doesn't know it. he's just off in his own CIPA world, fishing with his family, going to giants games, and getting random texts from me.

Truth be told, neither of these guys is probably right for me. Supposedly, a guy who really likes me will make an effort to see me and make it known and all that good stuff. But when the options are limited, it's more fun to stir up something than to have nothing at all. And neither modesto nor CIPA are bad guys. They're just not giving me EVERYTHING that I want. In the meantime, though, I don't have a guy in my life that is giving me that EVERYTHING. And I don't mean that in the "here is my checklist of what a guy should have," either. We're talking bare-bones, dude and I get along well, have things in common, want to do things together, are attracted to each other, and actually see each other more than once every two months. That's my order. Think I can put it in at www.getmeaboyfriend.com or something?

*buh-bah, buh-bah, this is the sound of settling*

this is all I have to post tonight. as poignant as it is heart-breaking.

read this article all about how single women in their late twenties and early thirties should "settle early" to avoid loneliness and regret into their forties and beyond.

is one of us supposed to be a DOG in this scenario?

To quote one of my favorite movies, "When Harry Met Sally":

Harry: Why can't we get past this? I mean, are we gonna carry this thing around forever?
Sally: Forever? It just happened.
Harry: It happened three weeks ago. You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?
Sally: Yes.
Sally: Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?

Not quite the same situation, but it's all I could think about following a phone conversation with modesto the other night. He called to ask whether he should get a dog. Specifically, he asked me to convince him not to. I proceeded to list some con's and then he said something like, "ok, thanks, I'm going to tell everyone that you're the reason I'm not getting a dog." This is modesto's idea of humor, of course, but it provoked an interesting conversation. In going through all of the responsibilities that having a puppy entails, including not just the intial bonding period where one should be with the puppy as much as possible all day, and probably shouldn't leave the puppy for more than a couple hours at a time, we found that many of them mirror the responsibilities of a relationship.
One interesting tidbit:

modesto: I'm so busy, I don't think I have time for a dog...but then I wonder whether I'm ever going to get less busy...besides, what's the difference between getting one now and waiting a few years?
me: You might miss out on a really great dog.
modesto: There are other dogs out there.

And another:

modesto: I mean, I have tennis on monday, basketball on tuesday, class on wednesday, and friday is [best friend and his wife] night...I'm content with the way things are and don't think I want to give any of those things up right now.

I proceeded to say something like, "I guess it's all about priorities," and modesto did not like that at all. In fact, he called me a jerk (weird thing to call a girl, but to each his own). Nonetheless, he knew it rang true, as illustrated in another comment he made. This was probably the most telling (likely because it was not pure puppy analogy):

modesto: I mean, I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I can't even find time for a relationship, let alone a puppy. A puppy depends solely on me, and that's too much right now. I can't even adapt my schedule for a relationship...

Mmm-hmmm. Interesting, modesto, very interesting. His actions over the past nine months (yes, I know, it's ridiculous that we have been talking for nearly nine months) reflect this sentiment. Ironically, in discussing the puppy, modesto was most "clear" or "honest" about his unwillingness to change his schedule, or, even worse, to commit to something not already included in his busy life. This was oddly refreshing to me, because it was finally out there. I feel like I should just cut ties with him completely at this point, but I'm still enjoying interacting with him, even if minimally (i.e. not in person) so I'm not having another "go away" talk just yet. I only want to do this because I feel like I should do it. So I'm not going to until I feel like I want to, not just that I should.

As far as I'm concerned, we need to hang out more in person soon so that we can choose from one of two options: (1) that we don't like each other as much as we thought and are going to stop talking; or (2) that we do like each other as much as we think and are going to figure out how to make this work.

uh-oh...

Apparently, I didn't quite cut the umbilical cord.

Modesto and I had an interesting conversation this weekend. It was via text. Funny how that works out, huh? I'm willing to let this continue for a little bit longer, although I have not yet determined how much longer. The fact that we have our most serious talks via text doesn't bother me as much as it probably should, because I feel more comfortable saying whatever I want via text, too, and tend to probably start the conversations because I figure I'll get a straight answer that way. I'd have these conversations in person if I had the chance, but I'd rather not have them over the phone...

Supposedly modesto is going to be more aggressive and make time for me. Supposedly. Do I believe him? Not until I see it happen. I'm not going to be invested like I was before - I have too long a pattern of him not following through to invest like that again without validation.

He claims I'm special, and that he values me in his life. I wonder why he didn't just say these things before. I guess he was "scared" or afraid of the distance or what-have-you, but I think we've both realized that there is something there, and we have to give it an opportunity before we can move on. For my part, I was totally over it, but then realized that cute attorney, although cute, smart, etc., etc., wasn't willing to put in the time. Modesto doesn't put in as much effort as he should, but he's consistent. And he doesn't commit just to flake on me - he just doesn't commit at all. He knows that's what needs to change for this to work. And while I don't know that he wanted it to work before because of the distance/fear, etc., this text from last night was exceptionally telling:

I can't be emotionally available [with someone else] until something happens or doesn't happen with you.

Ironically, this is exactly how I feel. Modesto and I are on the same page - who knew? I've been looking elsewhere to no avail, and I can't realistically date someone else (i.e. be 'emotionally available') unless and until I figure out what is up with modesto, because he is still in my life, and I'm obviously not ready to have him completely out of it just yet. He admits that he was fixed up with someone recently, but that "it just wasn't there" (not sure when - and the jealous girl side of me really wants to know details, yet I am resisting poking at that one because over the past 8+ months we've been talking, I definitely acted like I was single). That's how I've felt, too. Lack luster. And yet, there's always modesto...always putting a smile on my face and thinking of me. Reciprocating a lot of what I'm looking for, minus the actual hanging out part. If we could fix that, we'd be golden. It may sound ridiculous, but it's ok if something happens.

Another telling snippet of our text conversation?

Me: "I can't believe we met randomly online. I feel like we get along really well and I'm serious when I say I don't want to just toss that aside without seeing what it is. That may be slightly heavy for a 2 a.m. text conversation, but I mean it."

Modesto: "I completely agree and that makes this so difficult. If it wasn't something that I felt was different I would have tossed it aside a long time ago and wouldn't have thought twice. You make it kind of difficult to do that though..."

So now it's a waiting game. And it's his move.

busy b

I have had numerous urges to post a blog over the past six weeks, but have not had time (or, if I had the time, had no internet! darn it, pirated wireless, I loved you so!). I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions over the past few weeks, going from super happy and relaxed to so overly stressed that I actually went to the doctor, fearing I was suffering from anxiety attacks. [sidenote: doctor believes I have allergy-related asthma, but I don't know yet] Work was a wild part of this ride, giving me too many projects and corresponding deadlines at once. Although I got them all done, it was not a pleasant process, and I realized that I have significant control over my own stress levels. I need to shake my procrastination habit and get things out of the way quickly. More importantly, I need to push through challenging tasks that I put off because I don't think I can do them. I'm going to have to figure out how to do them one way or another in the end so I might as well try to push through the not knowing sooner rather than later, and avoid the "oh shit, there is no way for me to finish all of this" when I have barely any time left to make a deadline.

So, yeah, that was an unpleasant lesson to learn, but let's hope it sticks.

Due to all of this work-related stress, my health has suffered. I haven't attended spin class in 4-5 weeks, and I love spin class. Seriously, I can't believe how much I enjoy walking out of the gym at 6:45a.m. already having done an insane workout. My body was feeling fabulous after a few weeks. I need to get back on the horse and just suck it up and go to the new gym this week. Yes, NEW gym - I moved last weekend. I'm in Mountain View and soooo excited. I have gone for a walk or a run every evening since I moved there - the neighborhood is comfortable, safe feeling, and pretty. The trees are plentiful and the homes are gorgeous. They remind me of Capitol Hill in Seattle so I'm feeling better about my living situation. Plus, I signed a 14 month lease so I won't be moving for awhile, yeah! I'm almost all the way moved in - just some desk items and finding some sort of a wine rack and it will be good.

Guy department is essentially null and void. Cute attorney and I have had a few interactions since my last post--in fact, I don't think I ever got around to posting about cute attorney. He seemed to have so much potential, but that went away incredibly quickly. Or, well, not as quickly as it perhaps should have - he gave me just enough to think it could or would continue or develop into something, but then, as quickly as it started, it ended. I seriously do NOT understand how guys can put on a show, or act in ways that indicate one thing, yet want another. Are they in denial? Are they just "trying to be nice?" Are they "scared" of a relationship or of giving up their bachelorhood?

Or (worst of all) do they just not like me?

I feel that there are enough singles and dating websites and magazine columns and experts and such that I am not the only one with this problem; however, it is discouraging. How many times do I have to experience meeting a nice, intelligent, attractive guy who I actually have good chemistry with--and one who, mind you, acts as if he feels the same way--just to have him disappear on me? What am I doing wrong? What is not there between us that I am missing? What is there for the first few dates, and then not enough to turn it into a relationship? I'm at a loss as to what I should be doing differently. Some friends say I need someone a little older than me who has his "ducks in a row" and is ready to be in a relationship, but other friends say things like, "yeah, but something has got to be wrong with a guy who is 35 and not married yet." Nice. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. So the young guys aren't interested in a relationship, but the older guys are relationship-retarded.

All of that said, I have been focusing on my work and myself and trying to get happy with me before someone else is part of my life...but getting through is a day by day process. It would be great to share the trials and tribulations of work with a companion who can just give me a hug after a crappy day. Or to have a camping trip planned for the weekend with a special somebody whose company I enjoy. But those days will come. For now, I'm in my new apartment and trying to push through at work. I'm a busy b, and these things seem to have a way of working themselves out...

cutting the umbilical cord

I'm bad at having serious talks.

But I sucked it up and had one, anyway. For over a month now, I haven't actually spoken to fbf. I made up my mind that I was no longer getting out of that...situation (relationship is not the word I want to use because it connotes too much) what I wanted, but had neither the time nor the energy to convey that directly to fbf. He hasn't been fbf for awhile, but I don't have a better nickname for him. I suppose I can call him modesto, as some of my friends do. Anyway, modesto texted me saturday night: "seriously, I'm sick of being such strangers." How's that for passive aggressive? Not even passive aggressive, but definitely passive. I mean, really, you don't want to be strangers, but you choose Saturday night at 9:30p.m. to address this? Riiiight. All this did was drag it on. I had the guts to finally express myself slightly, albeit through text, and it felt good. Of course, modesto wanted to "talk" about this. So he calls Sunday, but I'm busy. I call him Monday, he calls back, and he's eating dinner so no "seriousness." Then he's insistent that I call him back so I do. It's painful. I ask him if we're going to have a serious talk, and he says, "not tonight." I should've said something like, "well, we need to have it now," but instead, I was like, oh, uh, ok fine. That made me annoyed with myself all day so when he called tonight, I paused the movie I was watching, said a minute or two of pleasantries, and then asked whether we were going to have the serious talk. Modesto kind of laughed, sheepishly, so I said, "well, I need to have a serious talk with you." I was nervous, but then it just flowed.

I wasn't angry, I had no blame to place - I was just being honest with him, telling him how I had felt awhile back when I still cared. I told him it wasn't a big deal now, because I'm over it, but I felt like I wanted to tell him because although I think he's a great guy, things just obviously weren't syncing up for us, and I decided that I wasn't getting out of it what I wanted. He was apologetic, but not overly so (I think part of me wanted him to be?). He acknowledged that he didn't make an effort and that was unfair to me, but I will state for the record that I think he should have groveled more. Also, he almost seemed to imply that I hadn't made as much of an effort as I claimed...if he really thinks that, then fine. The most important thing is that I said my piece, was mature and respectful, and treated him as I would want to be treated if the tables were turned.

At one point, Modesto said: "actually, I do have a very serious question for you. this goes back to something I asked you awhile back." I was intrigued. Then he said, "when are you going to buy me a flat screen tv?" Regardless of the fact that the poor boy was probably trying to break the tension or something, it's completely indicative of his inability (or the lack of desire) to talk to me seriously about anything that may or may not have been going on between us, and the reason that he couldn't get his priorities straight a few months ago. He claims he's having this problem with other friends and family and I think he was trying to say that his priorities aren't the best (I'll say). In fact, he had the gall to say something like, "no offense to you, but..." and go on about how he's having similar problems maintaining friendships and relationships with others--perhaps insinuating that either I am not as important as these others, or that because he can't juggle more than a few things (job, house, family, a few friendships) he couldn't or didn't want to invest in me or make me a priority because it was easier that way.

If he could have, at any point in time, actually come out and SAID this, then maybe we'd be somewhere. But he couldn't, and he can't, which is exactly why we are where we are now. Which is to say, nowhere. And I'm relieved.

just keep swimming

just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming.

I haven't watched Finding Nemo in a long time. In fact, I might watch it tomorrow night (yes, a Friday night - so?) just for fun. I'm actually excited to stay home and just hang out in my apartment this weekend. Maybe watch some TV, read some magazines or books, do some laundry, clean the kitchen - you know, fun stuff. Anyway, I just wanted to check in with my misadventures. I'm into the swing of things at work, taking on a case all by myself, hoping to get it settled through mediation in mid-May. Since the other associate went on maternity leave, I've had a chance to take this case and make it my own, and have relished it. Weird, no? But in the midst of all this, I'm going to the gym in the mornings and getting my hours in - it's all very good. I just keep swimming, and it works. Meanwhile, I think I convinced my sister that it's okay if she and Nick should have a baby sometime soon. Hooray, I can live vicariously through them! I just want them to be happy, and I think last weekend I was able to convince her that she doesn't have to have everything all perfect in order to start her family. I am happy lately. This is good. I'm going with it, I'm swimming.

line in the sand = drawn

Since my last entry where I wondered aloud (or, not aloud, but virtually) about where I was going to draw the line in the sand with fbf, I went to Seattle, had a marvelous time with my friends--who are some of the best people in the world (and whom I am so lucky to have in my life)--and went through some "being true to onself" thoughts. Basically, I went to Seattle and fell back into my pattern of "I want to move back here." Of course I LOVE Seattle, and I LOVE LOVE the people there even more, and this caused me major anxiety the last day and a half I was in Seattle. That carried over to me coming back to California and being pretty bummed out. I dragged my sad, sorry ass to work anyway, and was excited to have an email from my coworker wondering whether I was coming in that day. Success! I have a friend who cares whether I'm at work or not! This reinforced my decision to be in California, and helped me feel secure in the fact that I'm into the swing of things at work and in my life, and I am content. That said, I decided that the main thing dragging me down was fbf. And although I didn't get a chance to tell him (not "to his face," because how would that be possible when we only ever met each other once?) directly, I stopped calling, texting, or otherwise communicating with him. He followed suit. He's called a few times saying he's been busy and asking whether I've fallen off the face of the earth, but we haven't talked in weeks, now. I think my annoyance in early March really set the tone for where I am in my life, and I decided that sitting at home, talking to someone on the phone is NOT where I want to be. I want to be kicking ass at work, taking on new challenges, and learning new things. And I want to be embracing opportunities to hang out with people and develop relationships here, not just in California, but also in the south bay. I am making a concerted effort to make a life here for myself; one that I really enjoy.

And you know what? Although I haven't posted a blog for awhile, I made this decision and followed my instinct several weeks ago, and I'm really glad that I did. I guess I've just been so busy following this instinct, and working hard and creating a great life for myself that I neglected to blog about it! And I wanted to document for myself that I have moved beyond some of my old habits (such as fbf). I also started to work out in the mornings, which I am LOVING. Speaking of which, I need to get to sleep because I have spin class at 5:45 a.m.

More later, because I have a good feeling about this...

see? less annoyed already!

Funny how that works...

Thought today would be a terrible Monday, especially with losing an hour because of daylight savings time. Alas, it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. The loss of an hour sucked, of course, but I got more done than I thought I would, and billed more than I thought I would after rolling in a little late. Plus, the additional annoyance from last weekend related to the fake boyfriend ("fbf"), and after talking to him for a couple hours tonight, I feel better again. Granted, I'm still slightly frustrated - I've mentioned getting together a handful of times over the past few weeks, and tonight I really pushed (in the nicest way possible, of course). But it's hard for me to know whether he's giving me a hard time or not - he says he's just giving me a hard time, but I won't really believe it until he actually makes (and keeps!) plans with me... The more time that passes, the harder it gets for me to be satisfied with phone calls and text messages. Everything via phone says that we get along great, and that things are good, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to have someone to hang out with in PERSON and to do things with. So tonight I started by joking that I was penciling myself in for this weekend because if I don't, we won't see each other for three weeks...he changed the subject at one point, but I reiterated that I was serious, and I think I scared him. Oops. So I told him, well, we're seeing each other this weekend so you'd better think about what we're going to do. And he laughed, and of course made fun of me by listing all this crap he has to do so I got kind of irritated -- and then he was like, "I'm just kidding - I love giving you a hard time, it's too easy!" (I like this flirtatiousness, of course, but I also want to put my foot down and get something planned because I need some physical interaction, dammit). So I said, fbf, I've told you that I want to hang out this weekend so now it's up to you and I'll leave it alone.

He's not going to do anything about it. I know it. And I'll let him. I like him too much. But I have to draw a line in the sand at some point...I just haven't determined when that point will be just yet. *sigh*

I'm annoyed.

There's really nothing else to say. Hell, I don't even know why, exactly, I am annoyed. Maybe that's what makes it so annoying.

I love how I can post a totally happy, content entry one day, and then switch to being annoyed the next. I guess it's just been a long year already with work, and I am forcing myself not to work this weekend, even though I could/probably should. I need the break, but also get kind of stressed knowing that I could be getting ahead for the week. But I'm convinced I've been extra tired lately because I haven't truly given myself a break. So be it.

I'm also annoyed because I owe a bunch of credit cards moola, but can't seem to pay them off - I think it's the interest that's killing me. It's ridiculous, and taking me FOREVER to try to make a dent in it. I went shopping yesterday and had to resist buying anything other than two pairs of pants for work. Fun. I mean, I did buy something, which is nice, but work pants? So boring. All I really wanted was a bright colored scarf thingy, like orange sherbert colored, or bright teal - but I couldn't find one anywhere. Bummer.

I also get irrationally annoyed when people don't communicate with me, but I see that they have been on facebook or whatever, communicating with other people. Isn't that silly? I know full well it is. But I can't help it. And I hate that it annoys me. I don't want them to post on my page, that's not the issue. Really, I'd like to be hanging out with them. And when I can tell that they're quasi-making plans with people through facebook, but not making plans with me, I get bummed out. Not like I haven't communicated with them - I have. But it's one thing to be on the phone or communicating via facebook, and hangng out. I want to hang out. Yep, I'm pretty sure that's why I'm annoyed today.

Plus, we lost an hour for daylight savings time, and I'm exhausted. I'm sure once I get some more sleep tonight, I'll feel better. And having it stay lighter later is always good. I'll have another happy post soon enough.

another year older...

Another year wiser? How quickly time passes! The holidays feel like ages ago, and I can't remember what it's like for it to be summer. I suppose that comes with doing basically the same thing, day in and day out. I've been at my job for a year now (!) and I think the whole, "wow, I am just going to keep coming here every day, indefinitely," has finally set all the way in. It really freaked me out for awhile, there. Not gonna lie. I got used to being in college, and then in grad school, where each semester varied. I could rearrange my class schedule, I could participate in different extra-curricular activities. And over the summer, I could travel or get a completely random job. I could make it through anything for just several months. And that's as long as anything really lasted. If my classes sucked, I just had to get through finals and then different classes would appear. I'm actually ok with being more settled than that, now, but it took a good six to eight months for me to reach that point. Now I have been able to focus on getting better at what I'm doing, and that's making me happy. Granted, I work a lot, and am constantly making mistakes (in fact, I feel like the more responsibility I take on, and the more tasks I accomplish, the more mistakes I make), but how else does one learn? At least that's what I'm telling myself...

All in all, life isn't half-bad right now. I am still gainfully employed, and able to pay my bills (other than my massive post-law-school-pre-job credit card bills, which are monsters to get rid of!) so I shouldn't complain. I like my coworkers, and have been able to find time here and there to go cycling and mountain biking, and even take a weekend trip here or there (even if I am doing some work, eww, I know). I set some lofty goals for myself this year, but I'm pushing toward them and doing well so far. I'm a nice ripe 28 years old now (yikes), but I feel like I've earned it. I have no doubt that 28 will be the best year yet, just like every year before it.

Life just gets better and better - who knew.

WTF?!

So I guess I've gotten used to waking up at 6:30am, regardless of what time I went to bed the night before. I went to "happy hour" with one of my coworkers, which really turned into "go to see coworker's new house and have a drink there while waiting for her pregnant friend from law school to get there and then go to dinner at a delicious Mexican restaurant." The food was really good. I'm going to crave it, for sure.

After we finished eating, we headed back to coworker's house and sat around engaging in girl talk. I'm embarrassed because it was about 9pm and I was yawning often, but so were they so it wasn't too bad (we're all attorneys - my coworker's friend went to Santa Clara Law School with her, and their respective hubbies were out at happy hour for "guy night" before that little baby comes into the world and sucks away all fun in the guy's life, or so he thinks). I kept thinking that I should leave, but girl talk was fun! So I finally headed out around 11pm because I was worried that if I didn't, I was going to fall asleep on the short drive home.

I got home, got ready for bed, passed out a little after 11:30, and slept really well. Until 6:25am. And I awoke not even groggy. I was wide awake. So I decided to get on that devilish contraption, my iPhone, and check my facebook and my email. I thought, "I checked this before bed, I'm sure there is nothing in the last seven hours, but I don't know what else to do so why not?"

Alas, I am wrong.

There is an email in my inbox, and it literally made me say, "what the fuck?! are you kidding me right now? what?!?!" There is an email, sitting in my inbox as I type this, inviting me to some speeddate.com website thing from one of the schmucks I mentioned in an earlier post about 2008. We'll call him italy. (for reference, I met italy through match.com back in september, and we [I thought] really hit it off. we had about three dates before he left on a two week trip to italy, and we were supposed to get together upon his return. he scheduled a coffee date with me, but cancelled at the last minute and never rescheduled. I didn't try to, either) Apparently, italy has "added me as a friend." This invitation conveniently contains italy's picture in it so I know it's him. My hunch is that this "speeddate.com" thing requires you to enter your email contacts or otherwise somehow steals them from your inbox when you sign up, and italy didn't mean to send this to me. Nonetheless, I have an overwhelming urge to satisfy my curiosity and sign up just so I can see whether he really "sent me a message" or what. If he did, it would be even weirder and completely out of the blue. It would also piss me off because why would he have gone MIA four months ago, not even having the balls to email me that "it wasn't working out" or something lame, just to reappear at 3am through some speed dating website?

Part of me wants to sign up and see if there's anything there or not. The other part of me wants to ignore it. I'm leaning toward ignoring it, especially since I think (hope?) it was an automatic email sent to all of his address book or something.

But seriously, WTF?! Just when I'm feeling like things are going well and I'm relatively content and even-keeled...leave me alone! Funny how things like this sometimes happen. Here's the biggest problem: italy is looking good - he grew out some scruff. I'm a sucker for scruffy.

But a scruffy asshole is still an asshole.

2009 = a good year

Not that I had a big problem with 2008 or anything, but it's just so easy to wrap everything up into a little package, call it "last year," and move on. The beginning of another year lends itself to potential, to possibilities, and to moving on.

The good parts of 2008 were really good - I scored my dream job; my sister and brother in law moved back to California; a handful of good friends got engaged, others married. However, the low points were, of course, low. My great grandma and my cousin both passed away; I bought a new car and then got in an accident several weeks later; some guys were complete schmucks to me.

But that's the thing about the "new year." It gives one the ability to reflect on a snippet of time in one's life, and think about all that happened, good and bad. It's rare to have the time or motivation to pause and reflect, but ringing in a new year is an opportunity to do so. Moreover, it's an opportunity to let bygones be bygones, and cherish the good times from the past year (and beyond).

So although I'm confident that I'll still have many more misadventures, I am trying to put a more positive spin on things. I have swept the low points of 2008 out of my mind (at least to the point of dwelling on them; they'll always be there, of course) and am moving forward with positivity, new focus, and resolve.

I'm not one for New Year's resolutions, but I plan to continue my current mellow lifestyle, doing the best I can at work, spending as much time as possible with my family and friends, and--possibly most importantly--not beating myself up. That is probably the biggest "resolution" I can make, and I hope I can stick to it.

So the past has passed, and I won't likely highlight those misadventures via this blog, but I know there are more worthy adventures in my future. My two close friends from law school are getting married, and I get to be part of it - I couldn't be happier. Plus, I am heading up to Seattle and Whistler next week for some R&R and catching up with friends. I am visiting my grandma this weekend, and have a birthday coming up that I get to spend with my sister. I've been talking to a guy who actually isn't a schmuck. It's really all very, very good.