cutting the umbilical cord

I'm bad at having serious talks.

But I sucked it up and had one, anyway. For over a month now, I haven't actually spoken to fbf. I made up my mind that I was no longer getting out of that...situation (relationship is not the word I want to use because it connotes too much) what I wanted, but had neither the time nor the energy to convey that directly to fbf. He hasn't been fbf for awhile, but I don't have a better nickname for him. I suppose I can call him modesto, as some of my friends do. Anyway, modesto texted me saturday night: "seriously, I'm sick of being such strangers." How's that for passive aggressive? Not even passive aggressive, but definitely passive. I mean, really, you don't want to be strangers, but you choose Saturday night at 9:30p.m. to address this? Riiiight. All this did was drag it on. I had the guts to finally express myself slightly, albeit through text, and it felt good. Of course, modesto wanted to "talk" about this. So he calls Sunday, but I'm busy. I call him Monday, he calls back, and he's eating dinner so no "seriousness." Then he's insistent that I call him back so I do. It's painful. I ask him if we're going to have a serious talk, and he says, "not tonight." I should've said something like, "well, we need to have it now," but instead, I was like, oh, uh, ok fine. That made me annoyed with myself all day so when he called tonight, I paused the movie I was watching, said a minute or two of pleasantries, and then asked whether we were going to have the serious talk. Modesto kind of laughed, sheepishly, so I said, "well, I need to have a serious talk with you." I was nervous, but then it just flowed.

I wasn't angry, I had no blame to place - I was just being honest with him, telling him how I had felt awhile back when I still cared. I told him it wasn't a big deal now, because I'm over it, but I felt like I wanted to tell him because although I think he's a great guy, things just obviously weren't syncing up for us, and I decided that I wasn't getting out of it what I wanted. He was apologetic, but not overly so (I think part of me wanted him to be?). He acknowledged that he didn't make an effort and that was unfair to me, but I will state for the record that I think he should have groveled more. Also, he almost seemed to imply that I hadn't made as much of an effort as I claimed...if he really thinks that, then fine. The most important thing is that I said my piece, was mature and respectful, and treated him as I would want to be treated if the tables were turned.

At one point, Modesto said: "actually, I do have a very serious question for you. this goes back to something I asked you awhile back." I was intrigued. Then he said, "when are you going to buy me a flat screen tv?" Regardless of the fact that the poor boy was probably trying to break the tension or something, it's completely indicative of his inability (or the lack of desire) to talk to me seriously about anything that may or may not have been going on between us, and the reason that he couldn't get his priorities straight a few months ago. He claims he's having this problem with other friends and family and I think he was trying to say that his priorities aren't the best (I'll say). In fact, he had the gall to say something like, "no offense to you, but..." and go on about how he's having similar problems maintaining friendships and relationships with others--perhaps insinuating that either I am not as important as these others, or that because he can't juggle more than a few things (job, house, family, a few friendships) he couldn't or didn't want to invest in me or make me a priority because it was easier that way.

If he could have, at any point in time, actually come out and SAID this, then maybe we'd be somewhere. But he couldn't, and he can't, which is exactly why we are where we are now. Which is to say, nowhere. And I'm relieved.