cutting the umbilical cord

I'm bad at having serious talks.

But I sucked it up and had one, anyway. For over a month now, I haven't actually spoken to fbf. I made up my mind that I was no longer getting out of that...situation (relationship is not the word I want to use because it connotes too much) what I wanted, but had neither the time nor the energy to convey that directly to fbf. He hasn't been fbf for awhile, but I don't have a better nickname for him. I suppose I can call him modesto, as some of my friends do. Anyway, modesto texted me saturday night: "seriously, I'm sick of being such strangers." How's that for passive aggressive? Not even passive aggressive, but definitely passive. I mean, really, you don't want to be strangers, but you choose Saturday night at 9:30p.m. to address this? Riiiight. All this did was drag it on. I had the guts to finally express myself slightly, albeit through text, and it felt good. Of course, modesto wanted to "talk" about this. So he calls Sunday, but I'm busy. I call him Monday, he calls back, and he's eating dinner so no "seriousness." Then he's insistent that I call him back so I do. It's painful. I ask him if we're going to have a serious talk, and he says, "not tonight." I should've said something like, "well, we need to have it now," but instead, I was like, oh, uh, ok fine. That made me annoyed with myself all day so when he called tonight, I paused the movie I was watching, said a minute or two of pleasantries, and then asked whether we were going to have the serious talk. Modesto kind of laughed, sheepishly, so I said, "well, I need to have a serious talk with you." I was nervous, but then it just flowed.

I wasn't angry, I had no blame to place - I was just being honest with him, telling him how I had felt awhile back when I still cared. I told him it wasn't a big deal now, because I'm over it, but I felt like I wanted to tell him because although I think he's a great guy, things just obviously weren't syncing up for us, and I decided that I wasn't getting out of it what I wanted. He was apologetic, but not overly so (I think part of me wanted him to be?). He acknowledged that he didn't make an effort and that was unfair to me, but I will state for the record that I think he should have groveled more. Also, he almost seemed to imply that I hadn't made as much of an effort as I claimed...if he really thinks that, then fine. The most important thing is that I said my piece, was mature and respectful, and treated him as I would want to be treated if the tables were turned.

At one point, Modesto said: "actually, I do have a very serious question for you. this goes back to something I asked you awhile back." I was intrigued. Then he said, "when are you going to buy me a flat screen tv?" Regardless of the fact that the poor boy was probably trying to break the tension or something, it's completely indicative of his inability (or the lack of desire) to talk to me seriously about anything that may or may not have been going on between us, and the reason that he couldn't get his priorities straight a few months ago. He claims he's having this problem with other friends and family and I think he was trying to say that his priorities aren't the best (I'll say). In fact, he had the gall to say something like, "no offense to you, but..." and go on about how he's having similar problems maintaining friendships and relationships with others--perhaps insinuating that either I am not as important as these others, or that because he can't juggle more than a few things (job, house, family, a few friendships) he couldn't or didn't want to invest in me or make me a priority because it was easier that way.

If he could have, at any point in time, actually come out and SAID this, then maybe we'd be somewhere. But he couldn't, and he can't, which is exactly why we are where we are now. Which is to say, nowhere. And I'm relieved.

just keep swimming

just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming.

I haven't watched Finding Nemo in a long time. In fact, I might watch it tomorrow night (yes, a Friday night - so?) just for fun. I'm actually excited to stay home and just hang out in my apartment this weekend. Maybe watch some TV, read some magazines or books, do some laundry, clean the kitchen - you know, fun stuff. Anyway, I just wanted to check in with my misadventures. I'm into the swing of things at work, taking on a case all by myself, hoping to get it settled through mediation in mid-May. Since the other associate went on maternity leave, I've had a chance to take this case and make it my own, and have relished it. Weird, no? But in the midst of all this, I'm going to the gym in the mornings and getting my hours in - it's all very good. I just keep swimming, and it works. Meanwhile, I think I convinced my sister that it's okay if she and Nick should have a baby sometime soon. Hooray, I can live vicariously through them! I just want them to be happy, and I think last weekend I was able to convince her that she doesn't have to have everything all perfect in order to start her family. I am happy lately. This is good. I'm going with it, I'm swimming.

line in the sand = drawn

Since my last entry where I wondered aloud (or, not aloud, but virtually) about where I was going to draw the line in the sand with fbf, I went to Seattle, had a marvelous time with my friends--who are some of the best people in the world (and whom I am so lucky to have in my life)--and went through some "being true to onself" thoughts. Basically, I went to Seattle and fell back into my pattern of "I want to move back here." Of course I LOVE Seattle, and I LOVE LOVE the people there even more, and this caused me major anxiety the last day and a half I was in Seattle. That carried over to me coming back to California and being pretty bummed out. I dragged my sad, sorry ass to work anyway, and was excited to have an email from my coworker wondering whether I was coming in that day. Success! I have a friend who cares whether I'm at work or not! This reinforced my decision to be in California, and helped me feel secure in the fact that I'm into the swing of things at work and in my life, and I am content. That said, I decided that the main thing dragging me down was fbf. And although I didn't get a chance to tell him (not "to his face," because how would that be possible when we only ever met each other once?) directly, I stopped calling, texting, or otherwise communicating with him. He followed suit. He's called a few times saying he's been busy and asking whether I've fallen off the face of the earth, but we haven't talked in weeks, now. I think my annoyance in early March really set the tone for where I am in my life, and I decided that sitting at home, talking to someone on the phone is NOT where I want to be. I want to be kicking ass at work, taking on new challenges, and learning new things. And I want to be embracing opportunities to hang out with people and develop relationships here, not just in California, but also in the south bay. I am making a concerted effort to make a life here for myself; one that I really enjoy.

And you know what? Although I haven't posted a blog for awhile, I made this decision and followed my instinct several weeks ago, and I'm really glad that I did. I guess I've just been so busy following this instinct, and working hard and creating a great life for myself that I neglected to blog about it! And I wanted to document for myself that I have moved beyond some of my old habits (such as fbf). I also started to work out in the mornings, which I am LOVING. Speaking of which, I need to get to sleep because I have spin class at 5:45 a.m.

More later, because I have a good feeling about this...