little miss teethy

Little Miss is no slouch when it comes to teething. She has no fewer than 6 teeth coming in at once! The top center two are almost all the way in now, but she's got 2-4 more coming in around those, with two more coming in on the bottom around her lonely bottom two (which she's had for a few months). After a few crying fits today, she's relaxed and ready to run an errand or two with mom and dad.

For the record, Jason's theory is that Aubrey didn't want to go to bed yet, as her screaming stopped promptly as I carried her out of her bedroom...

c-section emotional distress

I'm usually not one to linger on emotional issues -- I tend to sweep things under the rug or avoid them if they make me sad and upset.  I feel that it's necessary, however, to address a topic that has been causing me some anguish for nearly a year: the fact that I had Aubrey via c-section.

I'm only a little ashamed to admit that Jason and I watch Teen Mom (a show on MTV following girls who get pregnant and have babies at ages 15/16), which is important to admit in this context because I realized that I watch these girls and feel resentment.  I feel jealousy.  I feel annoyed.  I am frustrated that these girls who have all these issues, who don't pay attention to the pregnancy "rules," and who, in my opinion, aren't necessarily the best mothers, "got to" push their babies out.

I'm sure many of you probably think I'm crazy right about now.  You're thinking childbirth isn't all it's cracked up to be; that your woohoo will never be the same; that the pain is agonizing and intense, and the worst pain you'll ever feel, and you're "so lucky" to not go through that pain.  But in my opinion, physical pain is fleeting (and, I will argue that a c-section carries with it plenty of its own pain, which I definitely experienced, thank you very much!), and I imagine that the end result is unbelievably worth it (I got to experience that part, too).  Despite all these things, it was challenging for me to cope with, and continues to be a surprisingly emotional subject for me when I hear others' birth stories or see them on tv.

Out of curiousity, I googled the subject of coping with a c-section, and there were a surprising number of results.  When we brought Aubrey home from the hospital, I figured the lousy mood I was in had to do with the typical baby blues, as well as the challenges I was facing in nursing; however, upon reading several articles and blog posts I believe that what I was feeling actually may have a lot to do with mourning the loss of my "natural" birth of Aubrey.  I just re-read that last sentence, and man do I feel cheesy.  But it's true.  I can't imagine how women feel who are rushed into an unplanned, emergency c-section unexpectedly.  At least for me I knew it might be coming: my mom had a c-section with me and a planned one with my sister; my sister had an emergency c-section after induction and lack of progress; and I even had a c-section planned at one point because Aubrey wasn't head down!  None of that really mattered to me following the delivery, though.  I still had to come to terms with the fact that I had a c-section, and I couldn't go back in time to change that.

Unfortunately for me, I'm a dweller.  And maybe I enjoy a good pity party?  For a long time, all I could focus on was whether I could have prevented it.  What if I hadn't gained so much weight in the second half of my pregnancy?  What if I had waited for another week and had the doctor force me to be induced, rather than going in only a week past my due date?  Would I have started labor naturally and progressed better?  What if I had declined the epidural?  Would my progress have continued better?

I can never answer those questions, and continually posing them is really just torturing myself.  I try to focus on the fact that first and foremost, the doctors helped me deliver a perfectly happy, healthy baby girl who I wouldn't trade for the world.  I also try to tell myself that there's nothing I could have done to change the way she was delivered, and to move on.  Logically I know that they lost the baby's heartbeat many times throughout my 28 hour induced labor.  I also know that shortly before the c-section, I developed a fever that was not going down with tylonel, which could have signaled an infection for me or the baby (thankfully, there was neither).  None of that can change the fact that I still feel like I would have preferred a birth in the room where I labored, where my family got to be there, where I felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment after pushing a baby out and immediately got to hold her, rather than waiting nearly an hour to be stitched up and wheeled back to where she was.  I am trying my best to push those feelings aside and focus on the logical, as well as the end result, but I still have a hard time with it.

These words in an article I read (article here) rang true and I will try to keep them in mind: 

"If I’ve learned anything in ten years of motherhood, it’s that the way our children are brought into the world means very little for how they live in the world. Nor do the intense hours in which we become mothers shape the months, years and decades of our actually being mothers. And if the experience of childbirth is in fact a crucial process, then let it be the process of teaching us that our children will emerge in ways varied and complicated, not necessarily in times or manners of our choosing, neither made in our image nor as proof of our prowess. Let birth remind us that, with children, so little goes according to even the most well-drawn plan."

Another article that resonated with me is here. I am thankful that I had a healthy baby.  I am thankful that I was awake for her birth, despite the fact that I had a blue sheet practically over my face and saw her in some doctor or nurse's hands from several feet away for two seconds.  I really am thankful for those things.  But that doesn't mean that I continue to have some emotional reactions and feel a little robbed of the ability to recount the story of Aubrey's birth in a way that toutes the pain and me pushing and having an overwhelming flood of emotional joy of accomplishment and love that I imagine I would have had if a c-section weren't required. 

As with most things imagined, however, it's likely better in my imagination that it would have been in reality, anyway.  So I have to instead try my best to remember that the way I became a mother (through surgery) does not shape the mother I am, and all I can do is move forward in ensuring that I am pleased with that aspect of the process, which I can control.

sick and slacking

Poor Aubrey got a bad cold (right while 4 teeth were coming in), and I had barely enough time to feel sorry for her before I got it too. Perfect timing as I'm supposed to be on week one of my half marathon training--not. I've only worked out once or twice in the last week or 10 days: officially the worst track record I've had in two plus months. I've got one of my final training sessions tomorrow, and hope to feel reinvigorated and reenergized. I need it to get serious about this half marathon!

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Nearly two years have gone by since I contributed to this blog.  I re-read every post to remind myself where I've been and what got me to where I am now: working in the contracts group at a large high tech company, married, with a nine month old daughter (!) and desperately trying to regain my fitness after tossing it carelessly to the wind whilst pregnant! 

After my half-marathon, I got a bit side-tracked because Jason and I got engaged November 23rd, and things snowballed after that: meeting each other's extended families over the holidays; sharing holidays between two (really 3) families; my amazing trip to Costa Rica with my bff; wedding planning; finding out I was pregnant; becoming an auntie when my sister had a beautiful baby girl!; my wedding; several friends' weddings; having my own beautiful baby girl; other friends having babies, and getting engaged.  Between all of that, I got a new job that I love, and which allows me the flexibility to spend lots of time with my family.  Learning to balance all the new things I have gained in my life over the past couple years, however, has taken some getting used to.

It's funny, in my earlier posts from two years ago or so (right after I left big firm life), I discussed my athleticism and wanting to get and stay fit.  I have no idea why that mindset completely left me when I found out I was pregnant, but it did.  Perhaps it was because after the half marathon I got caught up in the holidays and slacked on running/working out, as well as ate tons of holiday goodies.  Then after my trip to Costa Rica, I thought to myself, "ok, self, it's time to kick it back into gear with the working out and the good eating!" and even did P90x with Jason for a few weeks.  Then BAM, I found out I was pregnant.  Articles I read and discussions with my doctor had me totally freaked out because they all said, "if you already have a routine, you can keep doing it, but it's not a good idea to start a brand new, intense workout routine now."  Since I had been doing sporadic working out, I didn't want to do bootcamp or other intense things and risk my pregnancy . . . I also had really bad morning sickness and was exhausted for the first four months, which made working out and eating right very challenging. 

I realize this all sounds like a lot of excuses, but the point is that you live and learn, and here I am now, 9 months after having a baby, and still 18lbs heavier than when I got pregnant (which was already at least 20lbs heavier than what I normally am/should be, ugh). I started a new fitness journey (yes, AGAIN), and have been working with a personal trainer (the same one I worked with back in 2009-2010!) for almost two months.  I started playing soccer again (was it always this tough of a workout?!).  I am going to run another half-marathon, as daunting as that sounds.  Plus, I am trying to carry over healthy eating habits not only to me, but also to Jason and Aubrey.  It's a lot, but I have definitely eased into it, and am finally seeing some results. 

I want to make sure that when we get around to baby number two, I don't take my fitness for granted.  I won't believe those people that tell me, "it's fine, the weight will fall right off!" and I will remember to stay true to myself, someone who IS fit and DOES eat healthily, rather than giving in to the voices in the back of my head who tell me it's ok to be lazy and eat crappy food.  I want to be the person who is already in an intense fitness routine when she gets pregnant so she can continue to workout that way, and who looks and feels amazing. 

hell yes, I finished a half marathon!

I'm still riding the high of completeing something I never thought I would or could do: a half marathon! Thanks for pushing me to do it, and for training with me, mom.

I didn't think it was that big of a deal until I did it, and shed a few tears upon the completion of this task. I don't know what it was -- the release of emotion after pushing my body and mind further than I thought I could, or the fact that at my previous law firm job I never would have had the time or energy to train for the run -- but it was awesome.

In keeping with this "look what my body can do!" theme, I have to share this awesome article my bff sent me today: http://jezebel.com/5689226/a-call-to-arms-and-abs-quads-calves-and-shoulders?skyline=true&s=i (sorry, this blog never wants to turn my links into active links!) Rock on, sista. This endeavor has me inspired to try some new things soon . . . maybe rock climbing, finally?

time flies when you're doing long runs and boot camp

The current phase of my fitness journey has been in progress for 5.5 weeks now. The once dreaded half-marathon is THIS SUNDAY! (and I'm running in my sweet new purple shoes, above) Instead of wanting to sleep in and skip it, I am actually excited for it. You read that correctly: I am excited to run a half marathon. The past five weeks have been very challenging. Getting up at 5:30 every day to workout in the cold (and dropping) temperatures with the moon and stars still out is a powerful thing. It really makes you feel like you're sacrificing comfort of a warm bed and laying around for something good for you, which is pretty empowering. Running 10 miles at 6am so you can still get to work on time is something I never thought I'd do. Yet . . . here I am. And now I want to see all of this hard work pay off by running the half this weekend.

I was very encouraged when we did our fitness testing in boot camp and I improved my time by more than three minutes. That was HUGE for me. Amazing what a little change and challenge can do! Similarly, when I first was running, I was at a 14.5 minute mile and was dead after two or three miles. Now, a five mile run is "short" and I am running at a 12 minute mile or even 11.5 minute mile pace. I'm not fast by any stretch of the imagination, but I ran a 10k in decent time for training purposes, I completed 10 miles the other day, and I intend to complete the half. My pace has improved dramatically, and I am excited to see how I do on Sunday. Who knows, with progress like this, maybe I'll make this a habit and try to complete another one soon, with a better time?

The next obstacle to tackle, however, is my eating. I am not beating myself up about that right now, since I am DEFINITELY more fit than I was six weeks ago, and am very proud of the morning workout routine I have developed; however, that is next. I can't justify eating the wrong foods (and too much of them), no matter how much I work out. Besides, what a waste of getting up at the butt crack of dawn and kicking my ass with a workout!

Phase two of this journey will be focused on better eating habits. I have 3 months until my 30th birthday, and only 6 weeks until I take an amazing trip to Costa Rica with my bff! That's 6 whole weeks of opportunity to treat my body better and get ready for an awesome trip experience.

Weak One

Alright, so Week One of boot camp and 1/2 marathon training is complete (well, almost - I still have a 7 mile run to tackle this weekend, which should be interesting). This week I found out that I am, unfortunately, weak. My muscles are out of shape and I was extremely sore after boot camp workouts. I like to consider myself an athletic person, a tough girl, someone who can compete with the boys; however, this week proved otherwise. I won't let this discourage me, as I fully intend on resolving this issue and regaining strength and fitness, but I will admit that attending boot camp twice this week and running 3-4 miles two times really knocked some sense into me. I was in denial about my fitness level and where it had dropped to. I didn't want to admit that I had gained nearly 20lbs in the past year. Who wants to admit that?! My too-tight clothes proved it. The scale reflected it. I refused to listen. "I can eat whatever I want, I have lots of muscle." Surrrre.

Now, granted, I care what I look like. I want to look as good as I can. More importantly, however, I care how I FEEL. And I did not feel good. Not in my clothes, not in my own skin. And I most certainly did not feel good when I was the last person to complete her exercises at boot camp, or the slowest one jogging the laps. I am not used to being that girl.

The good news is, I can control this. I will continue to work hard and push myself, and I will improve. I lost about 4lbs this week, which is a great start. And even though this doesn't solve my fitness or weight goals, it is a step in the right direction, and is highly motivating. Plus, I already feel better. I'm walking taller, I'm happier, and I know that I have what it takes inside me to push myself to get to where I want to be. I made small choices all week - getting up at 5 so I could work out, drinking tea instead of coffee - to get these results. I need to remember that just like I saw results this week for a reason, when I don't see results, it's for a reason. This is what I will carry with me to make it through the next 3 weeks of shOctober!

(p.s. a big shout out to my bff and my mom, who are going to boot camp and running with me, which is a HUGE motivator!)