this is all I have to post tonight. as poignant as it is heart-breaking.
read this article all about how single women in their late twenties and early thirties should "settle early" to avoid loneliness and regret into their forties and beyond.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
is one of us supposed to be a DOG in this scenario?
To quote one of my favorite movies, "When Harry Met Sally":
Not quite the same situation, but it's all I could think about following a phone conversation with modesto the other night. He called to ask whether he should get a dog. Specifically, he asked me to convince him not to. I proceeded to list some con's and then he said something like, "ok, thanks, I'm going to tell everyone that you're the reason I'm not getting a dog." This is modesto's idea of humor, of course, but it provoked an interesting conversation. In going through all of the responsibilities that having a puppy entails, including not just the intial bonding period where one should be with the puppy as much as possible all day, and probably shouldn't leave the puppy for more than a couple hours at a time, we found that many of them mirror the responsibilities of a relationship.
One interesting tidbit:
And another:
I proceeded to say something like, "I guess it's all about priorities," and modesto did not like that at all. In fact, he called me a jerk (weird thing to call a girl, but to each his own). Nonetheless, he knew it rang true, as illustrated in another comment he made. This was probably the most telling (likely because it was not pure puppy analogy):
Mmm-hmmm. Interesting, modesto, very interesting. His actions over the past nine months (yes, I know, it's ridiculous that we have been talking for nearly nine months) reflect this sentiment. Ironically, in discussing the puppy, modesto was most "clear" or "honest" about his unwillingness to change his schedule, or, even worse, to commit to something not already included in his busy life. This was oddly refreshing to me, because it was finally out there. I feel like I should just cut ties with him completely at this point, but I'm still enjoying interacting with him, even if minimally (i.e. not in person) so I'm not having another "go away" talk just yet. I only want to do this because I feel like I should do it. So I'm not going to until I feel like I want to, not just that I should.
As far as I'm concerned, we need to hang out more in person soon so that we can choose from one of two options: (1) that we don't like each other as much as we thought and are going to stop talking; or (2) that we do like each other as much as we think and are going to figure out how to make this work.
Harry: Why can't we get past this? I mean, are we gonna carry this thing around forever?
Sally: Forever? It just happened.
Harry: It happened three weeks ago. You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?
Sally: Yes.
Sally: Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?
Not quite the same situation, but it's all I could think about following a phone conversation with modesto the other night. He called to ask whether he should get a dog. Specifically, he asked me to convince him not to. I proceeded to list some con's and then he said something like, "ok, thanks, I'm going to tell everyone that you're the reason I'm not getting a dog." This is modesto's idea of humor, of course, but it provoked an interesting conversation. In going through all of the responsibilities that having a puppy entails, including not just the intial bonding period where one should be with the puppy as much as possible all day, and probably shouldn't leave the puppy for more than a couple hours at a time, we found that many of them mirror the responsibilities of a relationship.
One interesting tidbit:
modesto: I'm so busy, I don't think I have time for a dog...but then I wonder whether I'm ever going to get less busy...besides, what's the difference between getting one now and waiting a few years?
me: You might miss out on a really great dog.
modesto: There are other dogs out there.
And another:
modesto: I mean, I have tennis on monday, basketball on tuesday, class on wednesday, and friday is [best friend and his wife] night...I'm content with the way things are and don't think I want to give any of those things up right now.
I proceeded to say something like, "I guess it's all about priorities," and modesto did not like that at all. In fact, he called me a jerk (weird thing to call a girl, but to each his own). Nonetheless, he knew it rang true, as illustrated in another comment he made. This was probably the most telling (likely because it was not pure puppy analogy):
modesto: I mean, I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I can't even find time for a relationship, let alone a puppy. A puppy depends solely on me, and that's too much right now. I can't even adapt my schedule for a relationship...
Mmm-hmmm. Interesting, modesto, very interesting. His actions over the past nine months (yes, I know, it's ridiculous that we have been talking for nearly nine months) reflect this sentiment. Ironically, in discussing the puppy, modesto was most "clear" or "honest" about his unwillingness to change his schedule, or, even worse, to commit to something not already included in his busy life. This was oddly refreshing to me, because it was finally out there. I feel like I should just cut ties with him completely at this point, but I'm still enjoying interacting with him, even if minimally (i.e. not in person) so I'm not having another "go away" talk just yet. I only want to do this because I feel like I should do it. So I'm not going to until I feel like I want to, not just that I should.
As far as I'm concerned, we need to hang out more in person soon so that we can choose from one of two options: (1) that we don't like each other as much as we thought and are going to stop talking; or (2) that we do like each other as much as we think and are going to figure out how to make this work.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
uh-oh...
Apparently, I didn't quite cut the umbilical cord.
Modesto and I had an interesting conversation this weekend. It was via text. Funny how that works out, huh? I'm willing to let this continue for a little bit longer, although I have not yet determined how much longer. The fact that we have our most serious talks via text doesn't bother me as much as it probably should, because I feel more comfortable saying whatever I want via text, too, and tend to probably start the conversations because I figure I'll get a straight answer that way. I'd have these conversations in person if I had the chance, but I'd rather not have them over the phone...
Supposedly modesto is going to be more aggressive and make time for me. Supposedly. Do I believe him? Not until I see it happen. I'm not going to be invested like I was before - I have too long a pattern of him not following through to invest like that again without validation.
He claims I'm special, and that he values me in his life. I wonder why he didn't just say these things before. I guess he was "scared" or afraid of the distance or what-have-you, but I think we've both realized that there is something there, and we have to give it an opportunity before we can move on. For my part, I was totally over it, but then realized that cute attorney, although cute, smart, etc., etc., wasn't willing to put in the time. Modesto doesn't put in as much effort as he should, but he's consistent. And he doesn't commit just to flake on me - he just doesn't commit at all. He knows that's what needs to change for this to work. And while I don't know that he wanted it to work before because of the distance/fear, etc., this text from last night was exceptionally telling:
Ironically, this is exactly how I feel. Modesto and I are on the same page - who knew? I've been looking elsewhere to no avail, and I can't realistically date someone else (i.e. be 'emotionally available') unless and until I figure out what is up with modesto, because he is still in my life, and I'm obviously not ready to have him completely out of it just yet. He admits that he was fixed up with someone recently, but that "it just wasn't there" (not sure when - and the jealous girl side of me really wants to know details, yet I am resisting poking at that one because over the past 8+ months we've been talking, I definitely acted like I was single). That's how I've felt, too. Lack luster. And yet, there's always modesto...always putting a smile on my face and thinking of me. Reciprocating a lot of what I'm looking for, minus the actual hanging out part. If we could fix that, we'd be golden. It may sound ridiculous, but it's ok if something happens.
Another telling snippet of our text conversation?
So now it's a waiting game. And it's his move.
Modesto and I had an interesting conversation this weekend. It was via text. Funny how that works out, huh? I'm willing to let this continue for a little bit longer, although I have not yet determined how much longer. The fact that we have our most serious talks via text doesn't bother me as much as it probably should, because I feel more comfortable saying whatever I want via text, too, and tend to probably start the conversations because I figure I'll get a straight answer that way. I'd have these conversations in person if I had the chance, but I'd rather not have them over the phone...
Supposedly modesto is going to be more aggressive and make time for me. Supposedly. Do I believe him? Not until I see it happen. I'm not going to be invested like I was before - I have too long a pattern of him not following through to invest like that again without validation.
He claims I'm special, and that he values me in his life. I wonder why he didn't just say these things before. I guess he was "scared" or afraid of the distance or what-have-you, but I think we've both realized that there is something there, and we have to give it an opportunity before we can move on. For my part, I was totally over it, but then realized that cute attorney, although cute, smart, etc., etc., wasn't willing to put in the time. Modesto doesn't put in as much effort as he should, but he's consistent. And he doesn't commit just to flake on me - he just doesn't commit at all. He knows that's what needs to change for this to work. And while I don't know that he wanted it to work before because of the distance/fear, etc., this text from last night was exceptionally telling:
I can't be emotionally available [with someone else] until something happens or doesn't happen with you.
Ironically, this is exactly how I feel. Modesto and I are on the same page - who knew? I've been looking elsewhere to no avail, and I can't realistically date someone else (i.e. be 'emotionally available') unless and until I figure out what is up with modesto, because he is still in my life, and I'm obviously not ready to have him completely out of it just yet. He admits that he was fixed up with someone recently, but that "it just wasn't there" (not sure when - and the jealous girl side of me really wants to know details, yet I am resisting poking at that one because over the past 8+ months we've been talking, I definitely acted like I was single). That's how I've felt, too. Lack luster. And yet, there's always modesto...always putting a smile on my face and thinking of me. Reciprocating a lot of what I'm looking for, minus the actual hanging out part. If we could fix that, we'd be golden. It may sound ridiculous, but it's ok if something happens.
Another telling snippet of our text conversation?
Me: "I can't believe we met randomly online. I feel like we get along really well and I'm serious when I say I don't want to just toss that aside without seeing what it is. That may be slightly heavy for a 2 a.m. text conversation, but I mean it."
Modesto: "I completely agree and that makes this so difficult. If it wasn't something that I felt was different I would have tossed it aside a long time ago and wouldn't have thought twice. You make it kind of difficult to do that though..."
So now it's a waiting game. And it's his move.
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