Modesto and I had an interesting conversation this weekend. It was via text. Funny how that works out, huh? I'm willing to let this continue for a little bit longer, although I have not yet determined how much longer. The fact that we have our most serious talks via text doesn't bother me as much as it probably should, because I feel more comfortable saying whatever I want via text, too, and tend to probably start the conversations because I figure I'll get a straight answer that way. I'd have these conversations in person if I had the chance, but I'd rather not have them over the phone...
Supposedly modesto is going to be more aggressive and make time for me. Supposedly. Do I believe him? Not until I see it happen. I'm not going to be invested like I was before - I have too long a pattern of him not following through to invest like that again without validation.
He claims I'm special, and that he values me in his life. I wonder why he didn't just say these things before. I guess he was "scared" or afraid of the distance or what-have-you, but I think we've both realized that there is something there, and we have to give it an opportunity before we can move on. For my part, I was totally over it, but then realized that cute attorney, although cute, smart, etc., etc., wasn't willing to put in the time. Modesto doesn't put in as much effort as he should, but he's consistent. And he doesn't commit just to flake on me - he just doesn't commit at all. He knows that's what needs to change for this to work. And while I don't know that he wanted it to work before because of the distance/fear, etc., this text from last night was exceptionally telling:
I can't be emotionally available [with someone else] until something happens or doesn't happen with you.
Ironically, this is exactly how I feel. Modesto and I are on the same page - who knew? I've been looking elsewhere to no avail, and I can't realistically date someone else (i.e. be 'emotionally available') unless and until I figure out what is up with modesto, because he is still in my life, and I'm obviously not ready to have him completely out of it just yet. He admits that he was fixed up with someone recently, but that "it just wasn't there" (not sure when - and the jealous girl side of me really wants to know details, yet I am resisting poking at that one because over the past 8+ months we've been talking, I definitely acted like I was single). That's how I've felt, too. Lack luster. And yet, there's always modesto...always putting a smile on my face and thinking of me. Reciprocating a lot of what I'm looking for, minus the actual hanging out part. If we could fix that, we'd be golden. It may sound ridiculous, but it's ok if something happens.
Another telling snippet of our text conversation?
Me: "I can't believe we met randomly online. I feel like we get along really well and I'm serious when I say I don't want to just toss that aside without seeing what it is. That may be slightly heavy for a 2 a.m. text conversation, but I mean it."
Modesto: "I completely agree and that makes this so difficult. If it wasn't something that I felt was different I would have tossed it aside a long time ago and wouldn't have thought twice. You make it kind of difficult to do that though..."
So now it's a waiting game. And it's his move.
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