I have had numerous urges to post a blog over the past six weeks, but have not had time (or, if I had the time, had no internet! darn it, pirated wireless, I loved you so!). I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions over the past few weeks, going from super happy and relaxed to so overly stressed that I actually went to the doctor, fearing I was suffering from anxiety attacks. [sidenote: doctor believes I have allergy-related asthma, but I don't know yet] Work was a wild part of this ride, giving me too many projects and corresponding deadlines at once. Although I got them all done, it was not a pleasant process, and I realized that I have significant control over my own stress levels. I need to shake my procrastination habit and get things out of the way quickly. More importantly, I need to push through challenging tasks that I put off because I don't think I can do them. I'm going to have to figure out how to do them one way or another in the end so I might as well try to push through the not knowing sooner rather than later, and avoid the "oh shit, there is no way for me to finish all of this" when I have barely any time left to make a deadline.
So, yeah, that was an unpleasant lesson to learn, but let's hope it sticks.
Due to all of this work-related stress, my health has suffered. I haven't attended spin class in 4-5 weeks, and I love spin class. Seriously, I can't believe how much I enjoy walking out of the gym at 6:45a.m. already having done an insane workout. My body was feeling fabulous after a few weeks. I need to get back on the horse and just suck it up and go to the new gym this week. Yes, NEW gym - I moved last weekend. I'm in Mountain View and soooo excited. I have gone for a walk or a run every evening since I moved there - the neighborhood is comfortable, safe feeling, and pretty. The trees are plentiful and the homes are gorgeous. They remind me of Capitol Hill in Seattle so I'm feeling better about my living situation. Plus, I signed a 14 month lease so I won't be moving for awhile, yeah! I'm almost all the way moved in - just some desk items and finding some sort of a wine rack and it will be good.
Guy department is essentially null and void. Cute attorney and I have had a few interactions since my last post--in fact, I don't think I ever got around to posting about cute attorney. He seemed to have so much potential, but that went away incredibly quickly. Or, well, not as quickly as it perhaps should have - he gave me just enough to think it could or would continue or develop into something, but then, as quickly as it started, it ended. I seriously do NOT understand how guys can put on a show, or act in ways that indicate one thing, yet want another. Are they in denial? Are they just "trying to be nice?" Are they "scared" of a relationship or of giving up their bachelorhood?
Or (worst of all) do they just not like me?
I feel that there are enough singles and dating websites and magazine columns and experts and such that I am not the only one with this problem; however, it is discouraging. How many times do I have to experience meeting a nice, intelligent, attractive guy who I actually have good chemistry with--and one who, mind you, acts as if he feels the same way--just to have him disappear on me? What am I doing wrong? What is not there between us that I am missing? What is there for the first few dates, and then not enough to turn it into a relationship? I'm at a loss as to what I should be doing differently. Some friends say I need someone a little older than me who has his "ducks in a row" and is ready to be in a relationship, but other friends say things like, "yeah, but something has got to be wrong with a guy who is 35 and not married yet." Nice. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. So the young guys aren't interested in a relationship, but the older guys are relationship-retarded.
All of that said, I have been focusing on my work and myself and trying to get happy with me before someone else is part of my life...but getting through is a day by day process. It would be great to share the trials and tribulations of work with a companion who can just give me a hug after a crappy day. Or to have a camping trip planned for the weekend with a special somebody whose company I enjoy. But those days will come. For now, I'm in my new apartment and trying to push through at work. I'm a busy b, and these things seem to have a way of working themselves out...
