For the record, Jason's theory is that Aubrey didn't want to go to bed yet, as her screaming stopped promptly as I carried her out of her bedroom...
Saturday, September 29, 2012
little miss teethy
Little Miss is no slouch when it comes to teething. She has no fewer than 6 teeth coming in at once! The top center two are almost all the way in now, but she's got 2-4 more coming in around those, with two more coming in on the bottom around her lonely bottom two (which she's had for a few months). After a few crying fits today, she's relaxed and ready to run an errand or two with mom and dad.
For the record, Jason's theory is that Aubrey didn't want to go to bed yet, as her screaming stopped promptly as I carried her out of her bedroom...
For the record, Jason's theory is that Aubrey didn't want to go to bed yet, as her screaming stopped promptly as I carried her out of her bedroom...
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
c-section emotional distress
I'm usually not one to linger on emotional issues -- I tend to sweep things under the rug or avoid them if they make me sad and upset. I feel that it's necessary, however, to address a topic that has been causing me some anguish for nearly a year: the fact that I had Aubrey via c-section.
I'm only a little ashamed to admit that Jason and I watch Teen Mom (a show on MTV following girls who get pregnant and have babies at ages 15/16), which is important to admit in this context because I realized that I watch these girls and feel resentment. I feel jealousy. I feel annoyed. I am frustrated that these girls who have all these issues, who don't pay attention to the pregnancy "rules," and who, in my opinion, aren't necessarily the best mothers, "got to" push their babies out.
I'm sure many of you probably think I'm crazy right about now. You're thinking childbirth isn't all it's cracked up to be; that your woohoo will never be the same; that the pain is agonizing and intense, and the worst pain you'll ever feel, and you're "so lucky" to not go through that pain. But in my opinion, physical pain is fleeting (and, I will argue that a c-section carries with it plenty of its own pain, which I definitely experienced, thank you very much!), and I imagine that the end result is unbelievably worth it (I got to experience that part, too). Despite all these things, it was challenging for me to cope with, and continues to be a surprisingly emotional subject for me when I hear others' birth stories or see them on tv.
Out of curiousity, I googled the subject of coping with a c-section, and there were a surprising number of results. When we brought Aubrey home from the hospital, I figured the lousy mood I was in had to do with the typical baby blues, as well as the challenges I was facing in nursing; however, upon reading several articles and blog posts I believe that what I was feeling actually may have a lot to do with mourning the loss of my "natural" birth of Aubrey. I just re-read that last sentence, and man do I feel cheesy. But it's true. I can't imagine how women feel who are rushed into an unplanned, emergency c-section unexpectedly. At least for me I knew it might be coming: my mom had a c-section with me and a planned one with my sister; my sister had an emergency c-section after induction and lack of progress; and I even had a c-section planned at one point because Aubrey wasn't head down! None of that really mattered to me following the delivery, though. I still had to come to terms with the fact that I had a c-section, and I couldn't go back in time to change that.
Unfortunately for me, I'm a dweller. And maybe I enjoy a good pity party? For a long time, all I could focus on was whether I could have prevented it. What if I hadn't gained so much weight in the second half of my pregnancy? What if I had waited for another week and had the doctor force me to be induced, rather than going in only a week past my due date? Would I have started labor naturally and progressed better? What if I had declined the epidural? Would my progress have continued better?
I can never answer those questions, and continually posing them is really just torturing myself. I try to focus on the fact that first and foremost, the doctors helped me deliver a perfectly happy, healthy baby girl who I wouldn't trade for the world. I also try to tell myself that there's nothing I could have done to change the way she was delivered, and to move on. Logically I know that they lost the baby's heartbeat many times throughout my 28 hour induced labor. I also know that shortly before the c-section, I developed a fever that was not going down with tylonel, which could have signaled an infection for me or the baby (thankfully, there was neither). None of that can change the fact that I still feel like I would have preferred a birth in the room where I labored, where my family got to be there, where I felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment after pushing a baby out and immediately got to hold her, rather than waiting nearly an hour to be stitched up and wheeled back to where she was. I am trying my best to push those feelings aside and focus on the logical, as well as the end result, but I still have a hard time with it.
These words in an article I read (article here) rang true and I will try to keep them in mind:
As with most things imagined, however, it's likely better in my imagination that it would have been in reality, anyway. So I have to instead try my best to remember that the way I became a mother (through surgery) does not shape the mother I am, and all I can do is move forward in ensuring that I am pleased with that aspect of the process, which I can control.
I'm only a little ashamed to admit that Jason and I watch Teen Mom (a show on MTV following girls who get pregnant and have babies at ages 15/16), which is important to admit in this context because I realized that I watch these girls and feel resentment. I feel jealousy. I feel annoyed. I am frustrated that these girls who have all these issues, who don't pay attention to the pregnancy "rules," and who, in my opinion, aren't necessarily the best mothers, "got to" push their babies out.
I'm sure many of you probably think I'm crazy right about now. You're thinking childbirth isn't all it's cracked up to be; that your woohoo will never be the same; that the pain is agonizing and intense, and the worst pain you'll ever feel, and you're "so lucky" to not go through that pain. But in my opinion, physical pain is fleeting (and, I will argue that a c-section carries with it plenty of its own pain, which I definitely experienced, thank you very much!), and I imagine that the end result is unbelievably worth it (I got to experience that part, too). Despite all these things, it was challenging for me to cope with, and continues to be a surprisingly emotional subject for me when I hear others' birth stories or see them on tv.
Out of curiousity, I googled the subject of coping with a c-section, and there were a surprising number of results. When we brought Aubrey home from the hospital, I figured the lousy mood I was in had to do with the typical baby blues, as well as the challenges I was facing in nursing; however, upon reading several articles and blog posts I believe that what I was feeling actually may have a lot to do with mourning the loss of my "natural" birth of Aubrey. I just re-read that last sentence, and man do I feel cheesy. But it's true. I can't imagine how women feel who are rushed into an unplanned, emergency c-section unexpectedly. At least for me I knew it might be coming: my mom had a c-section with me and a planned one with my sister; my sister had an emergency c-section after induction and lack of progress; and I even had a c-section planned at one point because Aubrey wasn't head down! None of that really mattered to me following the delivery, though. I still had to come to terms with the fact that I had a c-section, and I couldn't go back in time to change that.
Unfortunately for me, I'm a dweller. And maybe I enjoy a good pity party? For a long time, all I could focus on was whether I could have prevented it. What if I hadn't gained so much weight in the second half of my pregnancy? What if I had waited for another week and had the doctor force me to be induced, rather than going in only a week past my due date? Would I have started labor naturally and progressed better? What if I had declined the epidural? Would my progress have continued better?
I can never answer those questions, and continually posing them is really just torturing myself. I try to focus on the fact that first and foremost, the doctors helped me deliver a perfectly happy, healthy baby girl who I wouldn't trade for the world. I also try to tell myself that there's nothing I could have done to change the way she was delivered, and to move on. Logically I know that they lost the baby's heartbeat many times throughout my 28 hour induced labor. I also know that shortly before the c-section, I developed a fever that was not going down with tylonel, which could have signaled an infection for me or the baby (thankfully, there was neither). None of that can change the fact that I still feel like I would have preferred a birth in the room where I labored, where my family got to be there, where I felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment after pushing a baby out and immediately got to hold her, rather than waiting nearly an hour to be stitched up and wheeled back to where she was. I am trying my best to push those feelings aside and focus on the logical, as well as the end result, but I still have a hard time with it.
These words in an article I read (article here) rang true and I will try to keep them in mind:
"If I’ve learned anything in ten years of motherhood, it’s that the way our children are brought into the world means very little for how they live in the world. Nor do the intense hours in which we become mothers shape the months, years and decades of our actually being mothers. And if the experience of childbirth is in fact a crucial process, then let it be the process of teaching us that our children will emerge in ways varied and complicated, not necessarily in times or manners of our choosing, neither made in our image nor as proof of our prowess. Let birth remind us that, with children, so little goes according to even the most well-drawn plan."Another article that resonated with me is here. I am thankful that I had a healthy baby. I am thankful that I was awake for her birth, despite the fact that I had a blue sheet practically over my face and saw her in some doctor or nurse's hands from several feet away for two seconds. I really am thankful for those things. But that doesn't mean that I continue to have some emotional reactions and feel a little robbed of the ability to recount the story of Aubrey's birth in a way that toutes the pain and me pushing and having an overwhelming flood of emotional joy of accomplishment and love that I imagine I would have had if a c-section weren't required.
As with most things imagined, however, it's likely better in my imagination that it would have been in reality, anyway. So I have to instead try my best to remember that the way I became a mother (through surgery) does not shape the mother I am, and all I can do is move forward in ensuring that I am pleased with that aspect of the process, which I can control.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
sick and slacking
Poor Aubrey got a bad cold (right while 4 teeth were coming in), and I had barely enough time to feel sorry for her before I got it too. Perfect timing as I'm supposed to be on week one of my half marathon training--not. I've only worked out once or twice in the last week or 10 days: officially the worst track record I've had in two plus months. I've got one of my final training sessions tomorrow, and hope to feel reinvigorated and reenergized. I need it to get serious about this half marathon!
Friday, August 3, 2012
I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!
Nearly two years have gone by since I contributed to this blog. I re-read every post to remind myself where I've been and what got me to where I am now: working in the contracts group at a large high tech company, married, with a nine month old daughter (!) and desperately trying to regain my fitness after tossing it carelessly to the wind whilst pregnant!
After my half-marathon, I got a bit side-tracked because Jason and I got engaged November 23rd, and things snowballed after that: meeting each other's extended families over the holidays; sharing holidays between two (really 3) families; my amazing trip to Costa Rica with my bff; wedding planning; finding out I was pregnant; becoming an auntie when my sister had a beautiful baby girl!; my wedding; several friends' weddings; having my own beautiful baby girl; other friends having babies, and getting engaged. Between all of that, I got a new job that I love, and which allows me the flexibility to spend lots of time with my family. Learning to balance all the new things I have gained in my life over the past couple years, however, has taken some getting used to.
It's funny, in my earlier posts from two years ago or so (right after I left big firm life), I discussed my athleticism and wanting to get and stay fit. I have no idea why that mindset completely left me when I found out I was pregnant, but it did. Perhaps it was because after the half marathon I got caught up in the holidays and slacked on running/working out, as well as ate tons of holiday goodies. Then after my trip to Costa Rica, I thought to myself, "ok, self, it's time to kick it back into gear with the working out and the good eating!" and even did P90x with Jason for a few weeks. Then BAM, I found out I was pregnant. Articles I read and discussions with my doctor had me totally freaked out because they all said, "if you already have a routine, you can keep doing it, but it's not a good idea to start a brand new, intense workout routine now." Since I had been doing sporadic working out, I didn't want to do bootcamp or other intense things and risk my pregnancy . . . I also had really bad morning sickness and was exhausted for the first four months, which made working out and eating right very challenging.
I realize this all sounds like a lot of excuses, but the point is that you live and learn, and here I am now, 9 months after having a baby, and still 18lbs heavier than when I got pregnant (which was already at least 20lbs heavier than what I normally am/should be, ugh). I started a new fitness journey (yes, AGAIN), and have been working with a personal trainer (the same one I worked with back in 2009-2010!) for almost two months. I started playing soccer again (was it always this tough of a workout?!). I am going to run another half-marathon, as daunting as that sounds. Plus, I am trying to carry over healthy eating habits not only to me, but also to Jason and Aubrey. It's a lot, but I have definitely eased into it, and am finally seeing some results.
I want to make sure that when we get around to baby number two, I don't take my fitness for granted. I won't believe those people that tell me, "it's fine, the weight will fall right off!" and I will remember to stay true to myself, someone who IS fit and DOES eat healthily, rather than giving in to the voices in the back of my head who tell me it's ok to be lazy and eat crappy food. I want to be the person who is already in an intense fitness routine when she gets pregnant so she can continue to workout that way, and who looks and feels amazing.
After my half-marathon, I got a bit side-tracked because Jason and I got engaged November 23rd, and things snowballed after that: meeting each other's extended families over the holidays; sharing holidays between two (really 3) families; my amazing trip to Costa Rica with my bff; wedding planning; finding out I was pregnant; becoming an auntie when my sister had a beautiful baby girl!; my wedding; several friends' weddings; having my own beautiful baby girl; other friends having babies, and getting engaged. Between all of that, I got a new job that I love, and which allows me the flexibility to spend lots of time with my family. Learning to balance all the new things I have gained in my life over the past couple years, however, has taken some getting used to.
It's funny, in my earlier posts from two years ago or so (right after I left big firm life), I discussed my athleticism and wanting to get and stay fit. I have no idea why that mindset completely left me when I found out I was pregnant, but it did. Perhaps it was because after the half marathon I got caught up in the holidays and slacked on running/working out, as well as ate tons of holiday goodies. Then after my trip to Costa Rica, I thought to myself, "ok, self, it's time to kick it back into gear with the working out and the good eating!" and even did P90x with Jason for a few weeks. Then BAM, I found out I was pregnant. Articles I read and discussions with my doctor had me totally freaked out because they all said, "if you already have a routine, you can keep doing it, but it's not a good idea to start a brand new, intense workout routine now." Since I had been doing sporadic working out, I didn't want to do bootcamp or other intense things and risk my pregnancy . . . I also had really bad morning sickness and was exhausted for the first four months, which made working out and eating right very challenging.
I realize this all sounds like a lot of excuses, but the point is that you live and learn, and here I am now, 9 months after having a baby, and still 18lbs heavier than when I got pregnant (which was already at least 20lbs heavier than what I normally am/should be, ugh). I started a new fitness journey (yes, AGAIN), and have been working with a personal trainer (the same one I worked with back in 2009-2010!) for almost two months. I started playing soccer again (was it always this tough of a workout?!). I am going to run another half-marathon, as daunting as that sounds. Plus, I am trying to carry over healthy eating habits not only to me, but also to Jason and Aubrey. It's a lot, but I have definitely eased into it, and am finally seeing some results.
I want to make sure that when we get around to baby number two, I don't take my fitness for granted. I won't believe those people that tell me, "it's fine, the weight will fall right off!" and I will remember to stay true to myself, someone who IS fit and DOES eat healthily, rather than giving in to the voices in the back of my head who tell me it's ok to be lazy and eat crappy food. I want to be the person who is already in an intense fitness routine when she gets pregnant so she can continue to workout that way, and who looks and feels amazing.
Monday, November 15, 2010
hell yes, I finished a half marathon!
I'm still riding the high of completeing something I never thought I would or could do: a half marathon! Thanks for pushing me to do it, and for training with me, mom.
I didn't think it was that big of a deal until I did it, and shed a few tears upon the completion of this task. I don't know what it was -- the release of emotion after pushing my body and mind further than I thought I could, or the fact that at my previous law firm job I never would have had the time or energy to train for the run -- but it was awesome.
In keeping with this "look what my body can do!" theme, I have to share this awesome article my bff sent me today: http://jezebel.com/5689226/a-call-to-arms-and-abs-quads-calves-and-shoulders?skyline=true&s=i (sorry, this blog never wants to turn my links into active links!) Rock on, sista. This endeavor has me inspired to try some new things soon . . . maybe rock climbing, finally?
Friday, November 12, 2010
time flies when you're doing long runs and boot camp
The current phase of my fitness journey has been in progress for 5.5 weeks now. The once dreaded half-marathon is THIS SUNDAY! (and I'm running in my sweet new purple shoes, above) Instead of wanting to sleep in and skip it, I am actually excited for it. You read that correctly: I am excited to run a half marathon. The past five weeks have been very challenging. Getting up at 5:30 every day to workout in the cold (and dropping) temperatures with the moon and stars still out is a powerful thing. It really makes you feel like you're sacrificing comfort of a warm bed and laying around for something good for you, which is pretty empowering. Running 10 miles at 6am so you can still get to work on time is something I never thought I'd do. Yet . . . here I am. And now I want to see all of this hard work pay off by running the half this weekend.
I was very encouraged when we did our fitness testing in boot camp and I improved my time by more than three minutes. That was HUGE for me. Amazing what a little change and challenge can do! Similarly, when I first was running, I was at a 14.5 minute mile and was dead after two or three miles. Now, a five mile run is "short" and I am running at a 12 minute mile or even 11.5 minute mile pace. I'm not fast by any stretch of the imagination, but I ran a 10k in decent time for training purposes, I completed 10 miles the other day, and I intend to complete the half. My pace has improved dramatically, and I am excited to see how I do on Sunday. Who knows, with progress like this, maybe I'll make this a habit and try to complete another one soon, with a better time?
The next obstacle to tackle, however, is my eating. I am not beating myself up about that right now, since I am DEFINITELY more fit than I was six weeks ago, and am very proud of the morning workout routine I have developed; however, that is next. I can't justify eating the wrong foods (and too much of them), no matter how much I work out. Besides, what a waste of getting up at the butt crack of dawn and kicking my ass with a workout!
Phase two of this journey will be focused on better eating habits. I have 3 months until my 30th birthday, and only 6 weeks until I take an amazing trip to Costa Rica with my bff! That's 6 whole weeks of opportunity to treat my body better and get ready for an awesome trip experience.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Weak One
Alright, so Week One of boot camp and 1/2 marathon training is complete (well, almost - I still have a 7 mile run to tackle this weekend, which should be interesting). This week I found out that I am, unfortunately, weak. My muscles are out of shape and I was extremely sore after boot camp workouts. I like to consider myself an athletic person, a tough girl, someone who can compete with the boys; however, this week proved otherwise. I won't let this discourage me, as I fully intend on resolving this issue and regaining strength and fitness, but I will admit that attending boot camp twice this week and running 3-4 miles two times really knocked some sense into me. I was in denial about my fitness level and where it had dropped to. I didn't want to admit that I had gained nearly 20lbs in the past year. Who wants to admit that?! My too-tight clothes proved it. The scale reflected it. I refused to listen. "I can eat whatever I want, I have lots of muscle." Surrrre.
Now, granted, I care what I look like. I want to look as good as I can. More importantly, however, I care how I FEEL. And I did not feel good. Not in my clothes, not in my own skin. And I most certainly did not feel good when I was the last person to complete her exercises at boot camp, or the slowest one jogging the laps. I am not used to being that girl.
The good news is, I can control this. I will continue to work hard and push myself, and I will improve. I lost about 4lbs this week, which is a great start. And even though this doesn't solve my fitness or weight goals, it is a step in the right direction, and is highly motivating. Plus, I already feel better. I'm walking taller, I'm happier, and I know that I have what it takes inside me to push myself to get to where I want to be. I made small choices all week - getting up at 5 so I could work out, drinking tea instead of coffee - to get these results. I need to remember that just like I saw results this week for a reason, when I don't see results, it's for a reason. This is what I will carry with me to make it through the next 3 weeks of shOctober!
(p.s. a big shout out to my bff and my mom, who are going to boot camp and running with me, which is a HUGE motivator!)
Now, granted, I care what I look like. I want to look as good as I can. More importantly, however, I care how I FEEL. And I did not feel good. Not in my clothes, not in my own skin. And I most certainly did not feel good when I was the last person to complete her exercises at boot camp, or the slowest one jogging the laps. I am not used to being that girl.
The good news is, I can control this. I will continue to work hard and push myself, and I will improve. I lost about 4lbs this week, which is a great start. And even though this doesn't solve my fitness or weight goals, it is a step in the right direction, and is highly motivating. Plus, I already feel better. I'm walking taller, I'm happier, and I know that I have what it takes inside me to push myself to get to where I want to be. I made small choices all week - getting up at 5 so I could work out, drinking tea instead of coffee - to get these results. I need to remember that just like I saw results this week for a reason, when I don't see results, it's for a reason. This is what I will carry with me to make it through the next 3 weeks of shOctober!
(p.s. a big shout out to my bff and my mom, who are going to boot camp and running with me, which is a HUGE motivator!)
Sunday, October 3, 2010
shock-tober
It's that time - it's October, my favorite month, a chill is in the air, the holidays are right around the corner . . . oh, yeah, and I spent way too much time traveling and partying this summer, and collected a few extra pounds in the process. That means it's time to whip my ass into shape. I am committing to myself NOW, before my "old" birthday gets here and I feel just that: old. I refuse to enter my 30's feeling like crap. Instead, I want to get into the best shape of my life and show that birthday who's boss! So tomorrow, I'm starting bootcamp with my mom and bff, and am running a friggin' half marathon on November 13th! My crazy 51 year old mother wants me to run with her, and if she can do it, I should be able to do it, right? Ugh, what have I gotten myself into . . . Needless to say, I'm very excited and ready to make time for myself. I have to run to train (the other option is to be horribly pathetic and miserable at the half!), and have a full month of bootcamp to look forward to. In addition, I have 16 - count them, 16 - yoga sessions left to use, and I plan to use one a week until they are gone. It makes ME feel better when I do these things, and I need to make myself a priority now, because things are never going to get less busy or hectic. If I make myself a priority now, and get to the point where I crave the workouts and the yoga and such, I will be that much better for it in the long run. It's time to shock my body back into shape.
This posting is my pledge to start making myself a priority. What better month than October, my favorite? I have 4 months (and a week) until my 30th birthday. I can get in pretty good shape by then -- all I need is continued discipline and motivation.
Bring it on.
This posting is my pledge to start making myself a priority. What better month than October, my favorite? I have 4 months (and a week) until my 30th birthday. I can get in pretty good shape by then -- all I need is continued discipline and motivation.
Bring it on.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
from goldilocks to happily ever after?
wow. a lot can change in a few short months.
rewind back to my last post, right when I decided to get back in the online dating game. I bought a six month subscription to match.com and was planning to passively peruse it on occasion, and to see who reached out to me. Who would've thought that a mere two days later, I would have a "coffee date" (meaning a few beers at gordon biersch to watch march madness final four games) that turned into a live-in boyfriend whose 16 lb. cat also lives with us.
In addition to meeting my new man, who we will call "Big J," or simply, "J," for blog purposes, I am in the middle of a job transition, have seen no fewer than five couples get married this year, and in six short months or so, will be an auntie for the first time!!! Top that all off with turning the big 3-0 next February (T-5.5 months!), and there is a lot going on. While some of it -- ok, a lot of it--is stressful, much of it is fun and exciting as well. Instead of lamenting how I can't find a decent guy out there, I am dealing with integrating someone into my once independent life, as well as integrating him into my family and circle of friends (not an easy task, as it turns out). Rather than continuing in the rat race as I was doing, I took a leap and am looking for something different, and although I know it will turn out to be for the better, that doesn't make it any less challenging now.
The bottom line is that all the craziness that has been 2010 this year, including putting my dog down (sad), setting dating and relationship boundaries (challenging, yet necessary), taking a leap to a new career path (scary and exciting), will all be worth it because they are all steps toward my happily ever after. And while that is still a ways away, it is, of course, more about the journey than the destination -- or at least just as much about the journey as the destination. I'm happy to report that the journey is still intriguing, changing, and leading me toward happily ever after one day at a time.
rewind back to my last post, right when I decided to get back in the online dating game. I bought a six month subscription to match.com and was planning to passively peruse it on occasion, and to see who reached out to me. Who would've thought that a mere two days later, I would have a "coffee date" (meaning a few beers at gordon biersch to watch march madness final four games) that turned into a live-in boyfriend whose 16 lb. cat also lives with us.
In addition to meeting my new man, who we will call "Big J," or simply, "J," for blog purposes, I am in the middle of a job transition, have seen no fewer than five couples get married this year, and in six short months or so, will be an auntie for the first time!!! Top that all off with turning the big 3-0 next February (T-5.5 months!), and there is a lot going on. While some of it -- ok, a lot of it--is stressful, much of it is fun and exciting as well. Instead of lamenting how I can't find a decent guy out there, I am dealing with integrating someone into my once independent life, as well as integrating him into my family and circle of friends (not an easy task, as it turns out). Rather than continuing in the rat race as I was doing, I took a leap and am looking for something different, and although I know it will turn out to be for the better, that doesn't make it any less challenging now.
The bottom line is that all the craziness that has been 2010 this year, including putting my dog down (sad), setting dating and relationship boundaries (challenging, yet necessary), taking a leap to a new career path (scary and exciting), will all be worth it because they are all steps toward my happily ever after. And while that is still a ways away, it is, of course, more about the journey than the destination -- or at least just as much about the journey as the destination. I'm happy to report that the journey is still intriguing, changing, and leading me toward happily ever after one day at a time.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
call me the goldilocks of dating
So, with some reluctance, I have reentered the online dating world. I am doing so with the previous online dating experience and a certain idea of do's and don'ts in my back pocket so we'll see how it goes. It wasn't until after I had already signed up that I looked into that whole "active singles" thing, where you go do fun activities like kayaking and paint-balling and pub crawls with other single people in order to meet and mingle, rather than have awkward email and telephone exchanges leading up to an awkward date. I think that would be fun to do at some point, too.
For now, match.com is relatively easy because I just go to work all day, and come home to winks and emails in my inbox, and can pick and choose. Over the last two and a half weeks that I've been back on, however, I noticed that I don't pick and choose - I mostly say "no thanks" to people because there's something "off" with a lot of the guys who decide to contact me. Feeling a little badly about this (but not too badly), I wondered what this was about.
Online dating poses an interesting issue that in-person dating does not. First, there is a virtual limitless supply of people you can connect with, and people that you would never meet in real life, because you have nothing in common (or because the cyber-geek actually never leaves his home). You basically peruse dating "resumes" of candidates, browsing through the pictures and "likes" of people until one catches your eye. My problem? Not many catch mine.
In real life, you strike up conversation and get butterflies in your stomach when there is chemistry--you can tell if there is nothing there, or if something is off. And if you meet someone you have great chemistry with, say at a concert, you're going to pay attention to the chemistry first, and the person's specific characteristics later. Online, however, you consider the separate characteristics (interests - the ones they choose to list, that is - appearance, etc.) before you even know whether there is chemistry! Because of this, I have decided that when dating online, I am allowed to be incredibly picky - it's like shopping, or hiring an employee. I can only judge based on the two-dimensional information I am presented with online. This means that I can be shallow and say "no thanks" to someone who has no picture, or who appears completely un-photogenic, or took a shirtless self-photograph of themselves in the bathroom. I can also say "no thanks" if he's too fat, or too skinny, if he's too ugly, or too pretty, if he's too dorky and shy, or too macho and egotistical. Basically, if there is something I don't consider "just right," I have permission to immediately reject the guy.
Go ahead, call me Goldilocks. That's the privilege of online dating.
For now, match.com is relatively easy because I just go to work all day, and come home to winks and emails in my inbox, and can pick and choose. Over the last two and a half weeks that I've been back on, however, I noticed that I don't pick and choose - I mostly say "no thanks" to people because there's something "off" with a lot of the guys who decide to contact me. Feeling a little badly about this (but not too badly), I wondered what this was about.
Online dating poses an interesting issue that in-person dating does not. First, there is a virtual limitless supply of people you can connect with, and people that you would never meet in real life, because you have nothing in common (or because the cyber-geek actually never leaves his home). You basically peruse dating "resumes" of candidates, browsing through the pictures and "likes" of people until one catches your eye. My problem? Not many catch mine.
In real life, you strike up conversation and get butterflies in your stomach when there is chemistry--you can tell if there is nothing there, or if something is off. And if you meet someone you have great chemistry with, say at a concert, you're going to pay attention to the chemistry first, and the person's specific characteristics later. Online, however, you consider the separate characteristics (interests - the ones they choose to list, that is - appearance, etc.) before you even know whether there is chemistry! Because of this, I have decided that when dating online, I am allowed to be incredibly picky - it's like shopping, or hiring an employee. I can only judge based on the two-dimensional information I am presented with online. This means that I can be shallow and say "no thanks" to someone who has no picture, or who appears completely un-photogenic, or took a shirtless self-photograph of themselves in the bathroom. I can also say "no thanks" if he's too fat, or too skinny, if he's too ugly, or too pretty, if he's too dorky and shy, or too macho and egotistical. Basically, if there is something I don't consider "just right," I have permission to immediately reject the guy.
Go ahead, call me Goldilocks. That's the privilege of online dating.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
setting boundaries
I'm not a big fan of new year's resolutions, but this year I kind of decided that I would try setting boundaries for myself.
I didn't do a great job at the start of 2010 - I continued to talk to modesto, albeit half-heartedly because some things he had said over the holidays made me see (again) that he was never going to motivate and allow our phone-lationship to progress. I also let sales guy (a guy I met in october who seemed pretty cool until I found out he was an immature douchebag of a man-boy) take advantage of my niceness for a few weeks into 2010. That all ended when he called, drunk, asking for a ride home or for me to pick him up so he could crash in my car because he'd missed the train from sf to sj. I stood my ground (thanks to some prodding from my bff), and was surprised that sales guy actually wasn't mad at me later, but thought I was mad at him, and apologized. Damn straight! Finally. Bottom line on sales guy, though, is that it was yet another dead end. It did, however, remind me that I needed to set boundaries going forward (since I hadn't set those when I met him in the Fall of '09, however, it was difficult to add them with him).
With that in mind, I also ended things with modesto. I really wasn't ready for them to end, but had they really ever started? We hadn't progressed in 16 months of knowing each other. Sure, I'd dated other people, but I still had him on the back burner, and could count on him to satisfy a major emotional void that I have without a "relationship." I finally decided that I needed to be honest with him - and myself - and to tell him that I wanted and needed more, and that either he was going to have to give that to me, or admit that he was unwilling to do so and that was that. Unfortunately, it ended up being the latter. Modesto thought we lived too far from each other, he had originally been too scared of ruining the great thing we had to take it any further, he thought too much time had passed as us being phone friends and something had changed, he wasn't ready for a relationship, etc., etc., etc. Lots of excuses. Lots of signs of fear and immaturity. Lots of things, but one bottom line: modesto and I weren't going anywhere.
Modesto still wanted to be friends, though. Because why would modesto want to have me mad at him? Why would he want his self-proclaimed "best friend" and the person who he's "had the best connection with in his life" out of his life completely? Why would modesto want to tell the "first person [he] told his friends and family about" good riddance? Yeah, well, he wouldn't want to do that. He just didn't want to have a relationship with me, either. So I decided that I needed to set my boundaries, and tell him about them. It sucks that setting those boundaries for myself means that I don't get to talk to my best friend anymore, either. I can't - it will be too hard, and I won't be 100% honest with myself about what he and I have (or don't have) if I continue to use him as an emotional crutch. And so, here we are. To me, the worst part is that he admits we are best friends and have more in common/a better connection than anyone else we've met. To add insult to injury, he even said:
I just don't think he gets it. He must have a wall up--he certainly has his own boundaries--"I can't be in a relationship with the new house and new job," "I don't have time to put into a relationship what I want to." Ok, fine, if you get to decide that you just "can't" do these things, then I get to decide that I just "can't" be your friend.
I didn't do a great job at the start of 2010 - I continued to talk to modesto, albeit half-heartedly because some things he had said over the holidays made me see (again) that he was never going to motivate and allow our phone-lationship to progress. I also let sales guy (a guy I met in october who seemed pretty cool until I found out he was an immature douchebag of a man-boy) take advantage of my niceness for a few weeks into 2010. That all ended when he called, drunk, asking for a ride home or for me to pick him up so he could crash in my car because he'd missed the train from sf to sj. I stood my ground (thanks to some prodding from my bff), and was surprised that sales guy actually wasn't mad at me later, but thought I was mad at him, and apologized. Damn straight! Finally. Bottom line on sales guy, though, is that it was yet another dead end. It did, however, remind me that I needed to set boundaries going forward (since I hadn't set those when I met him in the Fall of '09, however, it was difficult to add them with him).
With that in mind, I also ended things with modesto. I really wasn't ready for them to end, but had they really ever started? We hadn't progressed in 16 months of knowing each other. Sure, I'd dated other people, but I still had him on the back burner, and could count on him to satisfy a major emotional void that I have without a "relationship." I finally decided that I needed to be honest with him - and myself - and to tell him that I wanted and needed more, and that either he was going to have to give that to me, or admit that he was unwilling to do so and that was that. Unfortunately, it ended up being the latter. Modesto thought we lived too far from each other, he had originally been too scared of ruining the great thing we had to take it any further, he thought too much time had passed as us being phone friends and something had changed, he wasn't ready for a relationship, etc., etc., etc. Lots of excuses. Lots of signs of fear and immaturity. Lots of things, but one bottom line: modesto and I weren't going anywhere.
Modesto still wanted to be friends, though. Because why would modesto want to have me mad at him? Why would he want his self-proclaimed "best friend" and the person who he's "had the best connection with in his life" out of his life completely? Why would modesto want to tell the "first person [he] told his friends and family about" good riddance? Yeah, well, he wouldn't want to do that. He just didn't want to have a relationship with me, either. So I decided that I needed to set my boundaries, and tell him about them. It sucks that setting those boundaries for myself means that I don't get to talk to my best friend anymore, either. I can't - it will be too hard, and I won't be 100% honest with myself about what he and I have (or don't have) if I continue to use him as an emotional crutch. And so, here we are. To me, the worst part is that he admits we are best friends and have more in common/a better connection than anyone else we've met. To add insult to injury, he even said:
I like you as a friend, and love you as a person.
I just don't think he gets it. He must have a wall up--he certainly has his own boundaries--"I can't be in a relationship with the new house and new job," "I don't have time to put into a relationship what I want to." Ok, fine, if you get to decide that you just "can't" do these things, then I get to decide that I just "can't" be your friend.
Monday, February 15, 2010
somewhere between a booty call and an 'elationship' . . .
. . . lies an honest to goodness relationship with a man who has a shred of maturity, self-confidence, and respect for others.
'booty call': a late night summons -- often made via telephone -- to arrange clandestine sexual liaisons on an ad hoc basis.
'elationship': a couple (friends, lovers, whatever) that know each other only via online correspondence (e-mail, IM chats, video rooms, etc). See, e.g. this timely article at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35338085/ns/technology_and_science-love_in_the_digital_age/from/ET
'booty call': a late night summons -- often made via telephone -- to arrange clandestine sexual liaisons on an ad hoc basis.
'elationship': a couple (friends, lovers, whatever) that know each other only via online correspondence (e-mail, IM chats, video rooms, etc). See, e.g. this timely article at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35338085/ns/technology_and_science-love_in_the_digital_age/from/ET
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
vital organs may soon rupture
My brain and heart (ok, the heart is an organ - what's the brain? a muscle? this is why I'm a lawyer, not a doctor people! let's just give me poetic licence and consider both vital organs - at least we can agree to their vitality, right?) may soon burst with the number of topics and stories and misadventures I want to share via my blog. Unfortunately, however, my "professional responsibility" (i.e. billing a certain number of hours a year) has taken over the last few months of my life and so I have been thinking about all sorts of things I could be writing, but have yet to taken the time to do so. I will try to post some things soon so that my brain and heart remain intact ... worst case, I'll try to make it a 2010 "resolution" to get on here and lament my misadventures more often.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
why I "quit" eharmony
I know that an update is long overdue, and I will get to it eventually. For now, I figured I'd post this email I just received from an eharmony wooer I started communicating with over gmail right before I "quit" eharmony (ok, I didn't "quit" so much as I let my subscription lapse, but for some reason I feel compelled to call it "quitting"). We'll call this guy "berry guy" since he works for driscoll farms. I must admit, I love their raspberries and blueberries, and find it fascinating that his job is international marketing for the blueberry division, which allows him to travel to places like Chile ... but other than thinking, "what a super cool job!" I'm not that intrigued by this guy. Granted, we had nice email exchanges that covered a wide variety of topics (including Obama winning the Nobel prize, which he asked my opinion about and I gave him, and which I don't think he agreed with), but I felt like he was trying way too hard. By that I mean that he appeared to be trying too hard to come off as a world-traveler and empathetic to humanity and into living life just to live it and shit. Maybe the fact that I don't feel that way everyday makes me a bad person, but hey - I am what I am, and unfortunately I have to take care of my own crap, which means doing as much as I can in the rat race I'm currently stuck in.
Anyway, I didn't email him back a few weeks ago because we were exchanging these looooooooong emails and I didn't have time that week. He later wrote me on a Friday night asking for a last minute coffee or drink date on Saturday night, but I wasn't in town. I wrote back and apologized a few days later, but then I caught up with work and other things, and have yet to draft a novella in response to his last email. If I were interested, I'm sure I would have; however, his lengthy, slightly arrogant (?) emails, the fact that he lives a few hours away, and my personal opinion that he wasn't all that cute in his photos, resulted in me just putting it off. I suppose I had already decided I wasn't interested. I certainly didn't mean to be rude or ignore him, but time just got away from me. I suppose that's why today he sent me this:
See what I mean? Who uses the word "vaunted" in a random email? I just found it aggravating. Do I really care? No, not really - I am not interested in dating him or taking the effort to get to know him from afar, his attitude is off-putting, and he doesn't seem to be my type physically. Does this still bother me? Yeah, to an extent. I just don't understand the passive-aggressive thing. If we had met in person and dated a bit and I just blew him off, that would be one thing, but this was an Internet connection that never got past 4 or 5 emails so if it disappears, it disappears. Hell, one of the guys I went on two pretty good dates with from eharmony just never called me back, and did I call or email him with some passive aggressive crap? Nope. Nature of the online dating beast.
Which brings us back to why I quit eharmony.
Anyway, I didn't email him back a few weeks ago because we were exchanging these looooooooong emails and I didn't have time that week. He later wrote me on a Friday night asking for a last minute coffee or drink date on Saturday night, but I wasn't in town. I wrote back and apologized a few days later, but then I caught up with work and other things, and have yet to draft a novella in response to his last email. If I were interested, I'm sure I would have; however, his lengthy, slightly arrogant (?) emails, the fact that he lives a few hours away, and my personal opinion that he wasn't all that cute in his photos, resulted in me just putting it off. I suppose I had already decided I wasn't interested. I certainly didn't mean to be rude or ignore him, but time just got away from me. I suppose that's why today he sent me this:
Hey Blaire,
Hope you've had a good, if probably hectic, last couple of weeks. Gotta say it's too bad you let this go. I was looking forward to cooking dinner with you, testing those vaunted skills of yours. Anyhow, I used to let things fade away, but now try not to...so it was really was a pleasure getting to know you briefly, and wish you the best. Enjoy Hawaii.
Take care,
berry guy
See what I mean? Who uses the word "vaunted" in a random email? I just found it aggravating. Do I really care? No, not really - I am not interested in dating him or taking the effort to get to know him from afar, his attitude is off-putting, and he doesn't seem to be my type physically. Does this still bother me? Yeah, to an extent. I just don't understand the passive-aggressive thing. If we had met in person and dated a bit and I just blew him off, that would be one thing, but this was an Internet connection that never got past 4 or 5 emails so if it disappears, it disappears. Hell, one of the guys I went on two pretty good dates with from eharmony just never called me back, and did I call or email him with some passive aggressive crap? Nope. Nature of the online dating beast.
Which brings us back to why I quit eharmony.
Monday, October 5, 2009
3 day breast cancer walk, etc.
pictures from my team's fundraising and the walkkm itself - very fun times. :)
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
coming soon: an update!
I realize that I have not posted an entry for almost a month and a half - wow. Lots has happened in that time frame, which is probably why I have not posted lately: I'm too busy! I definitely need to get some stuff out of my system and into the virtual world so I'm sure a long post will be coming soon. For now, here are a few highlights:
- adopted a puppy.
- got a tattoo.
- had yet another "why don't you ever want to see me?" talk with modesto. we did not talk for over a month.
- went on several more dates with teacher, but decided that he was too one-dimensional, was quasi-condescending, and just didn't do it for me so we're now strictly soccer teammates.
- after five weeks of radio silence, modesto texted me. I decided to communicate with him, but of course this has reverted to him being MIA again. My sister is trying to give me tough love and tell me to ignore him, but that's not easy for me to do - it's not in my "nature."
- went out with guy 1 from eharmony. figured since I paid for the darn service, I might as well actually meet some people. he was cute, nice, funny, smart, athletic, and just turned 26. Used to be in the hospitality industry, now he's a cop. Doesn't really like it. Great date - nice dinner place, drinks at a hotel on the beach, etc., etc., etc. Still trying to find himself - in fact, on our date, he specifically mentioned that he has "no girlfriend, no mortgage, no kids - nothing tying me down, so maybe I should just up and leave, travel the world or through the U.S., do something crazy, you know..." Um, yeah, that's what a girl looking for a "partner" wants to hear on the first date. Turns out he didn't think the "chemistry" was there anyhow. Ok, moving on.
- went out with guy 2 from eharmony. (seriously, I'm over the eh thing, but it's all about getting your money's worth!) He wasn't my "type" - I almost ignored him - but my sister thought I should go for it. He was nice enough (blond, though, hence "not my type," haha), but from philly so he had a different value system than me. He's 35 - the oldest guy I've ever gone on a date with (oooh, maybe that's not "my type" either? burn!). He used to be a Yahoo programmer, was laid off early this year, and now runs his guitar-making business full time. Pretty sweet, right? I thought so, too, but he's moving up north soon, and I just didn't feel that "spark" (yes, despite the movie "He's Just Not That Into You," I still call it a spark) and although he asked me out again, I declined. I didn't decline permanently - I only said I was too tired to go to the movies. However (and this is what prompted me to drop a line on here), when I checked my new matches on eh tonight, he had closed me as a match! On Monday at 4:34 pm he "chose to permanently close communication" with me. Wow, that was abrupt - Sunday at 6pm he was asking me to a movie, and Monday at 4:34pm, he closed our match. He could have called or texted - he didn't have to close the situation so passive-aggressively.
- work is crazy. I won my first demurrer! It was the first one I wrote, the first I argued, and the first I won. Hooray! Also, am just really busy, which is good. I'm hoping to continue to fit in better in the high-pressure litigation world. Ugh.
- Was elected MVP of my co-ed soccer team. We're going to play again in the Fall, and I recruited my sis! Should be good times. I'll be on an indoor team, too.
Ok, must go to sleep. I head down to San Diego tomorrow to visit my friend Erin and also see Alicia, Javier, and their daughter Isabella, who I have yet to meet, even though she's almost two years old! Plus, Alicia just gave me the news that she's SIX MONTHS PREGGERS with baby #2! I can't believe it. More soon...
- adopted a puppy.
- got a tattoo.
- had yet another "why don't you ever want to see me?" talk with modesto. we did not talk for over a month.
- went on several more dates with teacher, but decided that he was too one-dimensional, was quasi-condescending, and just didn't do it for me so we're now strictly soccer teammates.
- after five weeks of radio silence, modesto texted me. I decided to communicate with him, but of course this has reverted to him being MIA again. My sister is trying to give me tough love and tell me to ignore him, but that's not easy for me to do - it's not in my "nature."
- went out with guy 1 from eharmony. figured since I paid for the darn service, I might as well actually meet some people. he was cute, nice, funny, smart, athletic, and just turned 26. Used to be in the hospitality industry, now he's a cop. Doesn't really like it. Great date - nice dinner place, drinks at a hotel on the beach, etc., etc., etc. Still trying to find himself - in fact, on our date, he specifically mentioned that he has "no girlfriend, no mortgage, no kids - nothing tying me down, so maybe I should just up and leave, travel the world or through the U.S., do something crazy, you know..." Um, yeah, that's what a girl looking for a "partner" wants to hear on the first date. Turns out he didn't think the "chemistry" was there anyhow. Ok, moving on.
- went out with guy 2 from eharmony. (seriously, I'm over the eh thing, but it's all about getting your money's worth!) He wasn't my "type" - I almost ignored him - but my sister thought I should go for it. He was nice enough (blond, though, hence "not my type," haha), but from philly so he had a different value system than me. He's 35 - the oldest guy I've ever gone on a date with (oooh, maybe that's not "my type" either? burn!). He used to be a Yahoo programmer, was laid off early this year, and now runs his guitar-making business full time. Pretty sweet, right? I thought so, too, but he's moving up north soon, and I just didn't feel that "spark" (yes, despite the movie "He's Just Not That Into You," I still call it a spark) and although he asked me out again, I declined. I didn't decline permanently - I only said I was too tired to go to the movies. However (and this is what prompted me to drop a line on here), when I checked my new matches on eh tonight, he had closed me as a match! On Monday at 4:34 pm he "chose to permanently close communication" with me. Wow, that was abrupt - Sunday at 6pm he was asking me to a movie, and Monday at 4:34pm, he closed our match. He could have called or texted - he didn't have to close the situation so passive-aggressively.
Perhaps this is why boys who are dating online are single...?
- work is crazy. I won my first demurrer! It was the first one I wrote, the first I argued, and the first I won. Hooray! Also, am just really busy, which is good. I'm hoping to continue to fit in better in the high-pressure litigation world. Ugh.
- Was elected MVP of my co-ed soccer team. We're going to play again in the Fall, and I recruited my sis! Should be good times. I'll be on an indoor team, too.
Ok, must go to sleep. I head down to San Diego tomorrow to visit my friend Erin and also see Alicia, Javier, and their daughter Isabella, who I have yet to meet, even though she's almost two years old! Plus, Alicia just gave me the news that she's SIX MONTHS PREGGERS with baby #2! I can't believe it. More soon...
Friday, July 31, 2009
this post had better not jinx things
Having been absent from my blog for over four weeks, I just re-read my last post. I was not prepared for what I would see, because it had been long enough for me to forget what I had written. What I saw really amazed me - I pretty much stated that it was over with Modesto. I mean, I didn't say that, of course, but reading my July 1st post again, I was saying it. And good LORD I was screaming it about CIPA!! The guy responded to a text message I sent, and I thought it might mean something? Good grief. Being a girl really does suck. Here's the part I found the most interesting: the last paragraph. I shall re-quote it within this post, lest it be too difficult to look at the previous post:
Wow, right? I mean, W-O-W. I say "wow" because I obviously knew that both modesto and CIPA are/were lame. And that they weren't particularly adding anything to my life. And I set out my "order" right there, in my post.
11 days later, I decided to suck it up and join eHarmony in hopes of ending this time wasting with either of these guys, and maybe meeting someone nearby who met this description and wanted to spend time together. Oops?
Two days after subscribing to that, I overheard a soccer teammate talking about beer can racing. I talked over two other teammates to ask this teamate (we'll call him "teacher," since he's a third grade teacher) if he was talking about sailing. When he confirmed, I said "I love sailing!" and he said I should come out sometime. I thought teacher was merely being polite, but lo and behold, he emailed me that night asking me to sail with his dad and friends the next evening. How could I say no? An opportunity to sail, and also meet new people? Awesome! So I went for it. Then, as we were sailing, teacher said something to the effect of, "I can't believe how many people on our soccer team are married with kids," to which I replied, "Oh, I know - I totally joined the team to try to meet people and be social, and they're all married!" I was thinking to myself, "sweet, a single person to hang out with," and then he started talking about how his kids are going to have the best handwriting because he makes them practice all the time, etc. Then I was thinking, "kids? what kids? is he married? divorced with kids? darn it, not a new friend, after all. I guess this is just a nice sailing buddy, then." Shortly after that (much like the large waves on which we were sailing, this conversation was choppy - we would start and stop talking as we needed to tack back and forth through the bay), he mentioned loving summer break because he's a teacher, and then I realized that his "kids" were actually his third grade students. Game on!!
Throughout the sail, I hadn't really thought about what I was doing there and whether this was weird - I was just a girl from teacher's soccer team who liked to sail. But I had a GREAT time. It was gorgeous out, teacher and his father and friends were really nice and personable, and I enjoyed myself. Teacher and I had lots in common, as it turns out. He proposed beer and a bite, and I said of course. As we were leaving, teacher insisted that I take his iPod to listen to a band we'd been discussing (a love of great music gets me every time). Then, it hit me: had this transformed into a date? Panic did not set it, but I was curious...
Beer and a bite were great. Best time I had with a guy in a really long time. Teacher is intelligent, funny, well-read, and charasmatic. He actually talks as much as I do! We split the bill, and he walked me to my car. Now panic set in. I said a quick word or two and then was like, "well, I'd better go!" and teacher gave me a hug. Phew, I was saved - but was this a date? Ahhhh! The email from teacher 15 minutes later thanking me and including a "to-do list" based on our conversation that night made me think that maybe this was something...maybe.
Next day, we go to soccer practice. I'm the only girl. We play pick-up with randoms, then get beers. I impress teacher with my beer ordering skills, and my fallback choice (new castle) when sierra nevada is out. Teacher is intrigued, I am sure. Teacher mentions that he has to get home to play mariokart - the high school nerd in me is now intrigued. I want to play! Not this day, however...
Text messaging and emailing ensue for a few days. Teacher invites me to the A's game on Sunday. I semi-panic because I think this might be a date, but I'm still not sure. And I'm so exhausted from Kenny Chesney and Kole being annoying all night, I don't really have time to wonder. Plus, I'm comfortable around teacher so I'm not getting bijiggity. That's a nice feeling. After the game, I go to his place for a cold Dr. Pepper and some mariokart challenges. He didn't even let me win - I gave him a run for his money, though.
Things continue to go well and we talk almost daily. It's very nice. I had plans to go to Seattle last weekend so he came over late Thursday night as a surprise and watched Jimmy Fallon with me. He was concerned about coming over like that because he "really likes" me and "doesn't want to mess things up" - how's that for a surprise? Since when has a guy expressed something like that to me? Wow. I definitely agree with him and am enjoying just getting to know each other. We were both out of town for a few days so we didn't talk, but did text and email a bit - I'm afraid that once or twice our texts or emails have gotten misconstrued, which is a real risk of emailing or texting too much, I'm afraid...so I am going to minimize that.
The point of this post, which has turned into quite the ramble-fest, is to point out the irony of my current situation. I joined eHarmony and shelled out a good chunk of cash, and then started hanging out with this guy who had been right in front of me for almost a month. Hanging out with his guy is falling into place with that last paragraph from July 1st: I look forward to hearing from him; I do hear from him; more importantly, I look forward to seeing him and I do see him. For instance, I said: "supposedly, a guy who really likes me will make an effort to see me and make it known and all that good stuff." Teacher has invited me to do things, has driven over to see me, and has even told me straight out that he likes me and wants to see where this goes. Score! I also said: "dude and I get along well," that we "have things in common," and should "want to do things together." Talking a lot? Traveling? Camping? Music? Soccer? Beers? A's games? Mariokart? Score, Score, Score! And the most impressive of all - drumroll, please - I boldly suggested that I am looking for a relationship (yes, I said the "r" word) where we "actually see each other more than once every two months." Again, Score!
So this is going nicely. I actually feel kind of silly for writing it out, because I am really just going with the flow on this one and am liking the fact that it just is what it is. I just hope that my blogging about it doesn't go and jinx it...
Truth be told, neither of these guys is probably right for me. Supposedly, a guy who really likes me will make an effort to see me and make it known and all that good stuff. But when the options are limited, it's more fun to stir up something than to have nothing at all. And neither modesto nor CIPA are bad guys. They're just not giving me EVERYTHING that I want. In the meantime, though, I don't have a guy in my life that is giving me that EVERYTHING. And I don't mean that in the "here is my checklist of what a guy should have," either. We're talking bare-bones, dude and I get along well, have things in common, want to do things together, are attracted to each other, and actually see each other more than once every two months. That's my order.
Wow, right? I mean, W-O-W. I say "wow" because I obviously knew that both modesto and CIPA are/were lame. And that they weren't particularly adding anything to my life. And I set out my "order" right there, in my post.
11 days later, I decided to suck it up and join eHarmony in hopes of ending this time wasting with either of these guys, and maybe meeting someone nearby who met this description and wanted to spend time together. Oops?
Two days after subscribing to that, I overheard a soccer teammate talking about beer can racing. I talked over two other teammates to ask this teamate (we'll call him "teacher," since he's a third grade teacher) if he was talking about sailing. When he confirmed, I said "I love sailing!" and he said I should come out sometime. I thought teacher was merely being polite, but lo and behold, he emailed me that night asking me to sail with his dad and friends the next evening. How could I say no? An opportunity to sail, and also meet new people? Awesome! So I went for it. Then, as we were sailing, teacher said something to the effect of, "I can't believe how many people on our soccer team are married with kids," to which I replied, "Oh, I know - I totally joined the team to try to meet people and be social, and they're all married!" I was thinking to myself, "sweet, a single person to hang out with," and then he started talking about how his kids are going to have the best handwriting because he makes them practice all the time, etc. Then I was thinking, "kids? what kids? is he married? divorced with kids? darn it, not a new friend, after all. I guess this is just a nice sailing buddy, then." Shortly after that (much like the large waves on which we were sailing, this conversation was choppy - we would start and stop talking as we needed to tack back and forth through the bay), he mentioned loving summer break because he's a teacher, and then I realized that his "kids" were actually his third grade students. Game on!!
Throughout the sail, I hadn't really thought about what I was doing there and whether this was weird - I was just a girl from teacher's soccer team who liked to sail. But I had a GREAT time. It was gorgeous out, teacher and his father and friends were really nice and personable, and I enjoyed myself. Teacher and I had lots in common, as it turns out. He proposed beer and a bite, and I said of course. As we were leaving, teacher insisted that I take his iPod to listen to a band we'd been discussing (a love of great music gets me every time). Then, it hit me: had this transformed into a date? Panic did not set it, but I was curious...
Beer and a bite were great. Best time I had with a guy in a really long time. Teacher is intelligent, funny, well-read, and charasmatic. He actually talks as much as I do! We split the bill, and he walked me to my car. Now panic set in. I said a quick word or two and then was like, "well, I'd better go!" and teacher gave me a hug. Phew, I was saved - but was this a date? Ahhhh! The email from teacher 15 minutes later thanking me and including a "to-do list" based on our conversation that night made me think that maybe this was something...maybe.
Next day, we go to soccer practice. I'm the only girl. We play pick-up with randoms, then get beers. I impress teacher with my beer ordering skills, and my fallback choice (new castle) when sierra nevada is out. Teacher is intrigued, I am sure. Teacher mentions that he has to get home to play mariokart - the high school nerd in me is now intrigued. I want to play! Not this day, however...
Text messaging and emailing ensue for a few days. Teacher invites me to the A's game on Sunday. I semi-panic because I think this might be a date, but I'm still not sure. And I'm so exhausted from Kenny Chesney and Kole being annoying all night, I don't really have time to wonder. Plus, I'm comfortable around teacher so I'm not getting bijiggity. That's a nice feeling. After the game, I go to his place for a cold Dr. Pepper and some mariokart challenges. He didn't even let me win - I gave him a run for his money, though.
Things continue to go well and we talk almost daily. It's very nice. I had plans to go to Seattle last weekend so he came over late Thursday night as a surprise and watched Jimmy Fallon with me. He was concerned about coming over like that because he "really likes" me and "doesn't want to mess things up" - how's that for a surprise? Since when has a guy expressed something like that to me? Wow. I definitely agree with him and am enjoying just getting to know each other. We were both out of town for a few days so we didn't talk, but did text and email a bit - I'm afraid that once or twice our texts or emails have gotten misconstrued, which is a real risk of emailing or texting too much, I'm afraid...so I am going to minimize that.
The point of this post, which has turned into quite the ramble-fest, is to point out the irony of my current situation. I joined eHarmony and shelled out a good chunk of cash, and then started hanging out with this guy who had been right in front of me for almost a month. Hanging out with his guy is falling into place with that last paragraph from July 1st: I look forward to hearing from him; I do hear from him; more importantly, I look forward to seeing him and I do see him. For instance, I said: "supposedly, a guy who really likes me will make an effort to see me and make it known and all that good stuff." Teacher has invited me to do things, has driven over to see me, and has even told me straight out that he likes me and wants to see where this goes. Score! I also said: "dude and I get along well," that we "have things in common," and should "want to do things together." Talking a lot? Traveling? Camping? Music? Soccer? Beers? A's games? Mariokart? Score, Score, Score! And the most impressive of all - drumroll, please - I boldly suggested that I am looking for a relationship (yes, I said the "r" word) where we "actually see each other more than once every two months." Again, Score!
So this is going nicely. I actually feel kind of silly for writing it out, because I am really just going with the flow on this one and am liking the fact that it just is what it is. I just hope that my blogging about it doesn't go and jinx it...
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
boys are evil communication vixens
ok, so this whole modesto situation is getting silly, really. As my amazing friend Rox said in passing to me today, "what is his deal? he's wasting your time" (please note: I realize that other people, namely my baby sister, have expressed similar sentiments and I fully recognize that I have chosen to look past them). I've been thinking about that, and truly, I guess he kind of is. I mean, I'm emotionally invested. I would be all for being physically invested, yet he just doesn't put that extra effort in. We haven't seen each other since January. Yes, January. I feel like I've talked about this with him at least twice in earnest, now. He was in San Carlos for work last weekend and didn't think to tell me or ask to get together, and although he claims it's because he didn't know he would be there until 6am that day and didn't know where San Carlos was, it's not really an excuse. It reinforces the fact that he doesn't alter his plans/lifestyle to fit me in. We haven't hashed out these issues yet, although he groveled slightly, and I doubt we will tonight (I plan to drink a lot of wine with a friend and listen to jazz outside in a cute downtown neighborhood), but it's almost like, what's the point? I mean, he's obviously trying. But he's not trying enough. He wants me to know he cares, but he doesn't show it by making me a priority physically - only over the phone. I know I can't force my communication preferences or "relationship" preferences on someone, but not seeing each other in six months is a little ridiculous, and with him still in my life, I am not actively trying to meet other people. If others come up, I don't ignore them of course, but I'm not actively looking, either--and I'm not getting any younger.
Due to the above, I decided to go out on a limb and text cute IP attorney ("CIPA" for short?). I realize that texting is extremely passive, but in this case I decided that passive would suffice. He's passive. And either just really nice, completely obvlivious, or actually likes me, because he texted me back right away (god, I am SO drew barrymore in he's just not that into you right now! "he myspaced me"..."what about texter?"...grief. but at least CIPA and I had in-person interactions, too). Here is my breeziness:
Here is his completely ambiguous, utterly vague, yet reasonably instant response:
What am I supposed to do with that? Timing of text (combined with length and amount of detail) suggests that he is just nice and responded because he felt obligated. Another option is that he is completely oblivious (as most guys are) to the fact that I'm a GIRL and am trying to get something out of this so his responding sends me false hope. Final option is, maybe he actually likes me. Even if this is the case, however, what do I do with his response? He tells me what he's up to, but doesn't suggest we get together (even though I gave him a chance to do so). On the other hand, he says that he's currently busy, but will be slowing down in the next few weeks, implying that he may be available to get together in the near future. Fascinating. Giving me just enough to wonder whether he's interested or not. Boys are evil communication vixens. And in all likelihood, they don't even know it - I can almost guarantee that CIPA doesn't know it. he's just off in his own CIPA world, fishing with his family, going to giants games, and getting random texts from me.
Truth be told, neither of these guys is probably right for me. Supposedly, a guy who really likes me will make an effort to see me and make it known and all that good stuff. But when the options are limited, it's more fun to stir up something than to have nothing at all. And neither modesto nor CIPA are bad guys. They're just not giving me EVERYTHING that I want. In the meantime, though, I don't have a guy in my life that is giving me that EVERYTHING. And I don't mean that in the "here is my checklist of what a guy should have," either. We're talking bare-bones, dude and I get along well, have things in common, want to do things together, are attracted to each other, and actually see each other more than once every two months. That's my order. Think I can put it in at www.getmeaboyfriend.com or something?
Due to the above, I decided to go out on a limb and text cute IP attorney ("CIPA" for short?). I realize that texting is extremely passive, but in this case I decided that passive would suffice. He's passive. And either just really nice, completely obvlivious, or actually likes me, because he texted me back right away (god, I am SO drew barrymore in he's just not that into you right now! "he myspaced me"..."what about texter?"...grief. but at least CIPA and I had in-person interactions, too). Here is my breeziness:
Hey you! Coworker hasn't given it to me yet, but she told me you brought my jewelry to the pool party and I've been meaning to thank you. Hope all is well with you and you're enjoying summer (and the giants' decent record!). Would be nice to see you sometime!
Here is his completely ambiguous, utterly vague, yet reasonably instant response:
Things are good just got back from a quick fishing trip with my family so playing a little catchup but should slow down in a couple of weeks
What am I supposed to do with that? Timing of text (combined with length and amount of detail) suggests that he is just nice and responded because he felt obligated. Another option is that he is completely oblivious (as most guys are) to the fact that I'm a GIRL and am trying to get something out of this so his responding sends me false hope. Final option is, maybe he actually likes me. Even if this is the case, however, what do I do with his response? He tells me what he's up to, but doesn't suggest we get together (even though I gave him a chance to do so). On the other hand, he says that he's currently busy, but will be slowing down in the next few weeks, implying that he may be available to get together in the near future. Fascinating. Giving me just enough to wonder whether he's interested or not. Boys are evil communication vixens. And in all likelihood, they don't even know it - I can almost guarantee that CIPA doesn't know it. he's just off in his own CIPA world, fishing with his family, going to giants games, and getting random texts from me.
Truth be told, neither of these guys is probably right for me. Supposedly, a guy who really likes me will make an effort to see me and make it known and all that good stuff. But when the options are limited, it's more fun to stir up something than to have nothing at all. And neither modesto nor CIPA are bad guys. They're just not giving me EVERYTHING that I want. In the meantime, though, I don't have a guy in my life that is giving me that EVERYTHING. And I don't mean that in the "here is my checklist of what a guy should have," either. We're talking bare-bones, dude and I get along well, have things in common, want to do things together, are attracted to each other, and actually see each other more than once every two months. That's my order. Think I can put it in at www.getmeaboyfriend.com or something?
Monday, June 29, 2009
*buh-bah, buh-bah, this is the sound of settling*
this is all I have to post tonight. as poignant as it is heart-breaking.
read this article all about how single women in their late twenties and early thirties should "settle early" to avoid loneliness and regret into their forties and beyond.
read this article all about how single women in their late twenties and early thirties should "settle early" to avoid loneliness and regret into their forties and beyond.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
is one of us supposed to be a DOG in this scenario?
To quote one of my favorite movies, "When Harry Met Sally":
Not quite the same situation, but it's all I could think about following a phone conversation with modesto the other night. He called to ask whether he should get a dog. Specifically, he asked me to convince him not to. I proceeded to list some con's and then he said something like, "ok, thanks, I'm going to tell everyone that you're the reason I'm not getting a dog." This is modesto's idea of humor, of course, but it provoked an interesting conversation. In going through all of the responsibilities that having a puppy entails, including not just the intial bonding period where one should be with the puppy as much as possible all day, and probably shouldn't leave the puppy for more than a couple hours at a time, we found that many of them mirror the responsibilities of a relationship.
One interesting tidbit:
And another:
I proceeded to say something like, "I guess it's all about priorities," and modesto did not like that at all. In fact, he called me a jerk (weird thing to call a girl, but to each his own). Nonetheless, he knew it rang true, as illustrated in another comment he made. This was probably the most telling (likely because it was not pure puppy analogy):
Mmm-hmmm. Interesting, modesto, very interesting. His actions over the past nine months (yes, I know, it's ridiculous that we have been talking for nearly nine months) reflect this sentiment. Ironically, in discussing the puppy, modesto was most "clear" or "honest" about his unwillingness to change his schedule, or, even worse, to commit to something not already included in his busy life. This was oddly refreshing to me, because it was finally out there. I feel like I should just cut ties with him completely at this point, but I'm still enjoying interacting with him, even if minimally (i.e. not in person) so I'm not having another "go away" talk just yet. I only want to do this because I feel like I should do it. So I'm not going to until I feel like I want to, not just that I should.
As far as I'm concerned, we need to hang out more in person soon so that we can choose from one of two options: (1) that we don't like each other as much as we thought and are going to stop talking; or (2) that we do like each other as much as we think and are going to figure out how to make this work.
Harry: Why can't we get past this? I mean, are we gonna carry this thing around forever?
Sally: Forever? It just happened.
Harry: It happened three weeks ago. You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?
Sally: Yes.
Sally: Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?
Not quite the same situation, but it's all I could think about following a phone conversation with modesto the other night. He called to ask whether he should get a dog. Specifically, he asked me to convince him not to. I proceeded to list some con's and then he said something like, "ok, thanks, I'm going to tell everyone that you're the reason I'm not getting a dog." This is modesto's idea of humor, of course, but it provoked an interesting conversation. In going through all of the responsibilities that having a puppy entails, including not just the intial bonding period where one should be with the puppy as much as possible all day, and probably shouldn't leave the puppy for more than a couple hours at a time, we found that many of them mirror the responsibilities of a relationship.
One interesting tidbit:
modesto: I'm so busy, I don't think I have time for a dog...but then I wonder whether I'm ever going to get less busy...besides, what's the difference between getting one now and waiting a few years?
me: You might miss out on a really great dog.
modesto: There are other dogs out there.
And another:
modesto: I mean, I have tennis on monday, basketball on tuesday, class on wednesday, and friday is [best friend and his wife] night...I'm content with the way things are and don't think I want to give any of those things up right now.
I proceeded to say something like, "I guess it's all about priorities," and modesto did not like that at all. In fact, he called me a jerk (weird thing to call a girl, but to each his own). Nonetheless, he knew it rang true, as illustrated in another comment he made. This was probably the most telling (likely because it was not pure puppy analogy):
modesto: I mean, I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I can't even find time for a relationship, let alone a puppy. A puppy depends solely on me, and that's too much right now. I can't even adapt my schedule for a relationship...
Mmm-hmmm. Interesting, modesto, very interesting. His actions over the past nine months (yes, I know, it's ridiculous that we have been talking for nearly nine months) reflect this sentiment. Ironically, in discussing the puppy, modesto was most "clear" or "honest" about his unwillingness to change his schedule, or, even worse, to commit to something not already included in his busy life. This was oddly refreshing to me, because it was finally out there. I feel like I should just cut ties with him completely at this point, but I'm still enjoying interacting with him, even if minimally (i.e. not in person) so I'm not having another "go away" talk just yet. I only want to do this because I feel like I should do it. So I'm not going to until I feel like I want to, not just that I should.
As far as I'm concerned, we need to hang out more in person soon so that we can choose from one of two options: (1) that we don't like each other as much as we thought and are going to stop talking; or (2) that we do like each other as much as we think and are going to figure out how to make this work.
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