busy b

I have had numerous urges to post a blog over the past six weeks, but have not had time (or, if I had the time, had no internet! darn it, pirated wireless, I loved you so!). I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions over the past few weeks, going from super happy and relaxed to so overly stressed that I actually went to the doctor, fearing I was suffering from anxiety attacks. [sidenote: doctor believes I have allergy-related asthma, but I don't know yet] Work was a wild part of this ride, giving me too many projects and corresponding deadlines at once. Although I got them all done, it was not a pleasant process, and I realized that I have significant control over my own stress levels. I need to shake my procrastination habit and get things out of the way quickly. More importantly, I need to push through challenging tasks that I put off because I don't think I can do them. I'm going to have to figure out how to do them one way or another in the end so I might as well try to push through the not knowing sooner rather than later, and avoid the "oh shit, there is no way for me to finish all of this" when I have barely any time left to make a deadline.

So, yeah, that was an unpleasant lesson to learn, but let's hope it sticks.

Due to all of this work-related stress, my health has suffered. I haven't attended spin class in 4-5 weeks, and I love spin class. Seriously, I can't believe how much I enjoy walking out of the gym at 6:45a.m. already having done an insane workout. My body was feeling fabulous after a few weeks. I need to get back on the horse and just suck it up and go to the new gym this week. Yes, NEW gym - I moved last weekend. I'm in Mountain View and soooo excited. I have gone for a walk or a run every evening since I moved there - the neighborhood is comfortable, safe feeling, and pretty. The trees are plentiful and the homes are gorgeous. They remind me of Capitol Hill in Seattle so I'm feeling better about my living situation. Plus, I signed a 14 month lease so I won't be moving for awhile, yeah! I'm almost all the way moved in - just some desk items and finding some sort of a wine rack and it will be good.

Guy department is essentially null and void. Cute attorney and I have had a few interactions since my last post--in fact, I don't think I ever got around to posting about cute attorney. He seemed to have so much potential, but that went away incredibly quickly. Or, well, not as quickly as it perhaps should have - he gave me just enough to think it could or would continue or develop into something, but then, as quickly as it started, it ended. I seriously do NOT understand how guys can put on a show, or act in ways that indicate one thing, yet want another. Are they in denial? Are they just "trying to be nice?" Are they "scared" of a relationship or of giving up their bachelorhood?

Or (worst of all) do they just not like me?

I feel that there are enough singles and dating websites and magazine columns and experts and such that I am not the only one with this problem; however, it is discouraging. How many times do I have to experience meeting a nice, intelligent, attractive guy who I actually have good chemistry with--and one who, mind you, acts as if he feels the same way--just to have him disappear on me? What am I doing wrong? What is not there between us that I am missing? What is there for the first few dates, and then not enough to turn it into a relationship? I'm at a loss as to what I should be doing differently. Some friends say I need someone a little older than me who has his "ducks in a row" and is ready to be in a relationship, but other friends say things like, "yeah, but something has got to be wrong with a guy who is 35 and not married yet." Nice. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. So the young guys aren't interested in a relationship, but the older guys are relationship-retarded.

All of that said, I have been focusing on my work and myself and trying to get happy with me before someone else is part of my life...but getting through is a day by day process. It would be great to share the trials and tribulations of work with a companion who can just give me a hug after a crappy day. Or to have a camping trip planned for the weekend with a special somebody whose company I enjoy. But those days will come. For now, I'm in my new apartment and trying to push through at work. I'm a busy b, and these things seem to have a way of working themselves out...

cutting the umbilical cord

I'm bad at having serious talks.

But I sucked it up and had one, anyway. For over a month now, I haven't actually spoken to fbf. I made up my mind that I was no longer getting out of that...situation (relationship is not the word I want to use because it connotes too much) what I wanted, but had neither the time nor the energy to convey that directly to fbf. He hasn't been fbf for awhile, but I don't have a better nickname for him. I suppose I can call him modesto, as some of my friends do. Anyway, modesto texted me saturday night: "seriously, I'm sick of being such strangers." How's that for passive aggressive? Not even passive aggressive, but definitely passive. I mean, really, you don't want to be strangers, but you choose Saturday night at 9:30p.m. to address this? Riiiight. All this did was drag it on. I had the guts to finally express myself slightly, albeit through text, and it felt good. Of course, modesto wanted to "talk" about this. So he calls Sunday, but I'm busy. I call him Monday, he calls back, and he's eating dinner so no "seriousness." Then he's insistent that I call him back so I do. It's painful. I ask him if we're going to have a serious talk, and he says, "not tonight." I should've said something like, "well, we need to have it now," but instead, I was like, oh, uh, ok fine. That made me annoyed with myself all day so when he called tonight, I paused the movie I was watching, said a minute or two of pleasantries, and then asked whether we were going to have the serious talk. Modesto kind of laughed, sheepishly, so I said, "well, I need to have a serious talk with you." I was nervous, but then it just flowed.

I wasn't angry, I had no blame to place - I was just being honest with him, telling him how I had felt awhile back when I still cared. I told him it wasn't a big deal now, because I'm over it, but I felt like I wanted to tell him because although I think he's a great guy, things just obviously weren't syncing up for us, and I decided that I wasn't getting out of it what I wanted. He was apologetic, but not overly so (I think part of me wanted him to be?). He acknowledged that he didn't make an effort and that was unfair to me, but I will state for the record that I think he should have groveled more. Also, he almost seemed to imply that I hadn't made as much of an effort as I claimed...if he really thinks that, then fine. The most important thing is that I said my piece, was mature and respectful, and treated him as I would want to be treated if the tables were turned.

At one point, Modesto said: "actually, I do have a very serious question for you. this goes back to something I asked you awhile back." I was intrigued. Then he said, "when are you going to buy me a flat screen tv?" Regardless of the fact that the poor boy was probably trying to break the tension or something, it's completely indicative of his inability (or the lack of desire) to talk to me seriously about anything that may or may not have been going on between us, and the reason that he couldn't get his priorities straight a few months ago. He claims he's having this problem with other friends and family and I think he was trying to say that his priorities aren't the best (I'll say). In fact, he had the gall to say something like, "no offense to you, but..." and go on about how he's having similar problems maintaining friendships and relationships with others--perhaps insinuating that either I am not as important as these others, or that because he can't juggle more than a few things (job, house, family, a few friendships) he couldn't or didn't want to invest in me or make me a priority because it was easier that way.

If he could have, at any point in time, actually come out and SAID this, then maybe we'd be somewhere. But he couldn't, and he can't, which is exactly why we are where we are now. Which is to say, nowhere. And I'm relieved.

just keep swimming

just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming.

I haven't watched Finding Nemo in a long time. In fact, I might watch it tomorrow night (yes, a Friday night - so?) just for fun. I'm actually excited to stay home and just hang out in my apartment this weekend. Maybe watch some TV, read some magazines or books, do some laundry, clean the kitchen - you know, fun stuff. Anyway, I just wanted to check in with my misadventures. I'm into the swing of things at work, taking on a case all by myself, hoping to get it settled through mediation in mid-May. Since the other associate went on maternity leave, I've had a chance to take this case and make it my own, and have relished it. Weird, no? But in the midst of all this, I'm going to the gym in the mornings and getting my hours in - it's all very good. I just keep swimming, and it works. Meanwhile, I think I convinced my sister that it's okay if she and Nick should have a baby sometime soon. Hooray, I can live vicariously through them! I just want them to be happy, and I think last weekend I was able to convince her that she doesn't have to have everything all perfect in order to start her family. I am happy lately. This is good. I'm going with it, I'm swimming.

line in the sand = drawn

Since my last entry where I wondered aloud (or, not aloud, but virtually) about where I was going to draw the line in the sand with fbf, I went to Seattle, had a marvelous time with my friends--who are some of the best people in the world (and whom I am so lucky to have in my life)--and went through some "being true to onself" thoughts. Basically, I went to Seattle and fell back into my pattern of "I want to move back here." Of course I LOVE Seattle, and I LOVE LOVE the people there even more, and this caused me major anxiety the last day and a half I was in Seattle. That carried over to me coming back to California and being pretty bummed out. I dragged my sad, sorry ass to work anyway, and was excited to have an email from my coworker wondering whether I was coming in that day. Success! I have a friend who cares whether I'm at work or not! This reinforced my decision to be in California, and helped me feel secure in the fact that I'm into the swing of things at work and in my life, and I am content. That said, I decided that the main thing dragging me down was fbf. And although I didn't get a chance to tell him (not "to his face," because how would that be possible when we only ever met each other once?) directly, I stopped calling, texting, or otherwise communicating with him. He followed suit. He's called a few times saying he's been busy and asking whether I've fallen off the face of the earth, but we haven't talked in weeks, now. I think my annoyance in early March really set the tone for where I am in my life, and I decided that sitting at home, talking to someone on the phone is NOT where I want to be. I want to be kicking ass at work, taking on new challenges, and learning new things. And I want to be embracing opportunities to hang out with people and develop relationships here, not just in California, but also in the south bay. I am making a concerted effort to make a life here for myself; one that I really enjoy.

And you know what? Although I haven't posted a blog for awhile, I made this decision and followed my instinct several weeks ago, and I'm really glad that I did. I guess I've just been so busy following this instinct, and working hard and creating a great life for myself that I neglected to blog about it! And I wanted to document for myself that I have moved beyond some of my old habits (such as fbf). I also started to work out in the mornings, which I am LOVING. Speaking of which, I need to get to sleep because I have spin class at 5:45 a.m.

More later, because I have a good feeling about this...

see? less annoyed already!

Funny how that works...

Thought today would be a terrible Monday, especially with losing an hour because of daylight savings time. Alas, it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. The loss of an hour sucked, of course, but I got more done than I thought I would, and billed more than I thought I would after rolling in a little late. Plus, the additional annoyance from last weekend related to the fake boyfriend ("fbf"), and after talking to him for a couple hours tonight, I feel better again. Granted, I'm still slightly frustrated - I've mentioned getting together a handful of times over the past few weeks, and tonight I really pushed (in the nicest way possible, of course). But it's hard for me to know whether he's giving me a hard time or not - he says he's just giving me a hard time, but I won't really believe it until he actually makes (and keeps!) plans with me... The more time that passes, the harder it gets for me to be satisfied with phone calls and text messages. Everything via phone says that we get along great, and that things are good, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to have someone to hang out with in PERSON and to do things with. So tonight I started by joking that I was penciling myself in for this weekend because if I don't, we won't see each other for three weeks...he changed the subject at one point, but I reiterated that I was serious, and I think I scared him. Oops. So I told him, well, we're seeing each other this weekend so you'd better think about what we're going to do. And he laughed, and of course made fun of me by listing all this crap he has to do so I got kind of irritated -- and then he was like, "I'm just kidding - I love giving you a hard time, it's too easy!" (I like this flirtatiousness, of course, but I also want to put my foot down and get something planned because I need some physical interaction, dammit). So I said, fbf, I've told you that I want to hang out this weekend so now it's up to you and I'll leave it alone.

He's not going to do anything about it. I know it. And I'll let him. I like him too much. But I have to draw a line in the sand at some point...I just haven't determined when that point will be just yet. *sigh*

I'm annoyed.

There's really nothing else to say. Hell, I don't even know why, exactly, I am annoyed. Maybe that's what makes it so annoying.

I love how I can post a totally happy, content entry one day, and then switch to being annoyed the next. I guess it's just been a long year already with work, and I am forcing myself not to work this weekend, even though I could/probably should. I need the break, but also get kind of stressed knowing that I could be getting ahead for the week. But I'm convinced I've been extra tired lately because I haven't truly given myself a break. So be it.

I'm also annoyed because I owe a bunch of credit cards moola, but can't seem to pay them off - I think it's the interest that's killing me. It's ridiculous, and taking me FOREVER to try to make a dent in it. I went shopping yesterday and had to resist buying anything other than two pairs of pants for work. Fun. I mean, I did buy something, which is nice, but work pants? So boring. All I really wanted was a bright colored scarf thingy, like orange sherbert colored, or bright teal - but I couldn't find one anywhere. Bummer.

I also get irrationally annoyed when people don't communicate with me, but I see that they have been on facebook or whatever, communicating with other people. Isn't that silly? I know full well it is. But I can't help it. And I hate that it annoys me. I don't want them to post on my page, that's not the issue. Really, I'd like to be hanging out with them. And when I can tell that they're quasi-making plans with people through facebook, but not making plans with me, I get bummed out. Not like I haven't communicated with them - I have. But it's one thing to be on the phone or communicating via facebook, and hangng out. I want to hang out. Yep, I'm pretty sure that's why I'm annoyed today.

Plus, we lost an hour for daylight savings time, and I'm exhausted. I'm sure once I get some more sleep tonight, I'll feel better. And having it stay lighter later is always good. I'll have another happy post soon enough.

another year older...

Another year wiser? How quickly time passes! The holidays feel like ages ago, and I can't remember what it's like for it to be summer. I suppose that comes with doing basically the same thing, day in and day out. I've been at my job for a year now (!) and I think the whole, "wow, I am just going to keep coming here every day, indefinitely," has finally set all the way in. It really freaked me out for awhile, there. Not gonna lie. I got used to being in college, and then in grad school, where each semester varied. I could rearrange my class schedule, I could participate in different extra-curricular activities. And over the summer, I could travel or get a completely random job. I could make it through anything for just several months. And that's as long as anything really lasted. If my classes sucked, I just had to get through finals and then different classes would appear. I'm actually ok with being more settled than that, now, but it took a good six to eight months for me to reach that point. Now I have been able to focus on getting better at what I'm doing, and that's making me happy. Granted, I work a lot, and am constantly making mistakes (in fact, I feel like the more responsibility I take on, and the more tasks I accomplish, the more mistakes I make), but how else does one learn? At least that's what I'm telling myself...

All in all, life isn't half-bad right now. I am still gainfully employed, and able to pay my bills (other than my massive post-law-school-pre-job credit card bills, which are monsters to get rid of!) so I shouldn't complain. I like my coworkers, and have been able to find time here and there to go cycling and mountain biking, and even take a weekend trip here or there (even if I am doing some work, eww, I know). I set some lofty goals for myself this year, but I'm pushing toward them and doing well so far. I'm a nice ripe 28 years old now (yikes), but I feel like I've earned it. I have no doubt that 28 will be the best year yet, just like every year before it.

Life just gets better and better - who knew.