coming soon: an update!

I realize that I have not posted an entry for almost a month and a half - wow. Lots has happened in that time frame, which is probably why I have not posted lately: I'm too busy! I definitely need to get some stuff out of my system and into the virtual world so I'm sure a long post will be coming soon. For now, here are a few highlights:

- adopted a puppy.

- got a tattoo.

- had yet another "why don't you ever want to see me?" talk with modesto. we did not talk for over a month.

- went on several more dates with teacher, but decided that he was too one-dimensional, was quasi-condescending, and just didn't do it for me so we're now strictly soccer teammates.

- after five weeks of radio silence, modesto texted me. I decided to communicate with him, but of course this has reverted to him being MIA again. My sister is trying to give me tough love and tell me to ignore him, but that's not easy for me to do - it's not in my "nature."

- went out with guy 1 from eharmony. figured since I paid for the darn service, I might as well actually meet some people. he was cute, nice, funny, smart, athletic, and just turned 26. Used to be in the hospitality industry, now he's a cop. Doesn't really like it. Great date - nice dinner place, drinks at a hotel on the beach, etc., etc., etc. Still trying to find himself - in fact, on our date, he specifically mentioned that he has "no girlfriend, no mortgage, no kids - nothing tying me down, so maybe I should just up and leave, travel the world or through the U.S., do something crazy, you know..." Um, yeah, that's what a girl looking for a "partner" wants to hear on the first date. Turns out he didn't think the "chemistry" was there anyhow. Ok, moving on.

- went out with guy 2 from eharmony. (seriously, I'm over the eh thing, but it's all about getting your money's worth!) He wasn't my "type" - I almost ignored him - but my sister thought I should go for it. He was nice enough (blond, though, hence "not my type," haha), but from philly so he had a different value system than me. He's 35 - the oldest guy I've ever gone on a date with (oooh, maybe that's not "my type" either? burn!). He used to be a Yahoo programmer, was laid off early this year, and now runs his guitar-making business full time. Pretty sweet, right? I thought so, too, but he's moving up north soon, and I just didn't feel that "spark" (yes, despite the movie "He's Just Not That Into You," I still call it a spark) and although he asked me out again, I declined. I didn't decline permanently - I only said I was too tired to go to the movies. However (and this is what prompted me to drop a line on here), when I checked my new matches on eh tonight, he had closed me as a match! On Monday at 4:34 pm he "chose to permanently close communication" with me. Wow, that was abrupt - Sunday at 6pm he was asking me to a movie, and Monday at 4:34pm, he closed our match. He could have called or texted - he didn't have to close the situation so passive-aggressively.

Perhaps this is why boys who are dating online are single...?

- work is crazy. I won my first demurrer! It was the first one I wrote, the first I argued, and the first I won. Hooray! Also, am just really busy, which is good. I'm hoping to continue to fit in better in the high-pressure litigation world. Ugh.

- Was elected MVP of my co-ed soccer team. We're going to play again in the Fall, and I recruited my sis! Should be good times. I'll be on an indoor team, too.

Ok, must go to sleep. I head down to San Diego tomorrow to visit my friend Erin and also see Alicia, Javier, and their daughter Isabella, who I have yet to meet, even though she's almost two years old! Plus, Alicia just gave me the news that she's SIX MONTHS PREGGERS with baby #2! I can't believe it. More soon...

this post had better not jinx things

Having been absent from my blog for over four weeks, I just re-read my last post. I was not prepared for what I would see, because it had been long enough for me to forget what I had written. What I saw really amazed me - I pretty much stated that it was over with Modesto. I mean, I didn't say that, of course, but reading my July 1st post again, I was saying it. And good LORD I was screaming it about CIPA!! The guy responded to a text message I sent, and I thought it might mean something? Good grief. Being a girl really does suck. Here's the part I found the most interesting: the last paragraph. I shall re-quote it within this post, lest it be too difficult to look at the previous post:

Truth be told, neither of these guys is probably right for me. Supposedly, a guy who really likes me will make an effort to see me and make it known and all that good stuff. But when the options are limited, it's more fun to stir up something than to have nothing at all. And neither modesto nor CIPA are bad guys. They're just not giving me EVERYTHING that I want. In the meantime, though, I don't have a guy in my life that is giving me that EVERYTHING. And I don't mean that in the "here is my checklist of what a guy should have," either. We're talking bare-bones, dude and I get along well, have things in common, want to do things together, are attracted to each other, and actually see each other more than once every two months. That's my order.

Wow, right? I mean, W-O-W. I say "wow" because I obviously knew that both modesto and CIPA are/were lame. And that they weren't particularly adding anything to my life. And I set out my "order" right there, in my post.

11 days later, I decided to suck it up and join eHarmony in hopes of ending this time wasting with either of these guys, and maybe meeting someone nearby who met this description and wanted to spend time together. Oops?

Two days after subscribing to that, I overheard a soccer teammate talking about beer can racing. I talked over two other teammates to ask this teamate (we'll call him "teacher," since he's a third grade teacher) if he was talking about sailing. When he confirmed, I said "I love sailing!" and he said I should come out sometime. I thought teacher was merely being polite, but lo and behold, he emailed me that night asking me to sail with his dad and friends the next evening. How could I say no? An opportunity to sail, and also meet new people? Awesome! So I went for it. Then, as we were sailing, teacher said something to the effect of, "I can't believe how many people on our soccer team are married with kids," to which I replied, "Oh, I know - I totally joined the team to try to meet people and be social, and they're all married!" I was thinking to myself, "sweet, a single person to hang out with," and then he started talking about how his kids are going to have the best handwriting because he makes them practice all the time, etc. Then I was thinking, "kids? what kids? is he married? divorced with kids? darn it, not a new friend, after all. I guess this is just a nice sailing buddy, then." Shortly after that (much like the large waves on which we were sailing, this conversation was choppy - we would start and stop talking as we needed to tack back and forth through the bay), he mentioned loving summer break because he's a teacher, and then I realized that his "kids" were actually his third grade students. Game on!!

Throughout the sail, I hadn't really thought about what I was doing there and whether this was weird - I was just a girl from teacher's soccer team who liked to sail. But I had a GREAT time. It was gorgeous out, teacher and his father and friends were really nice and personable, and I enjoyed myself. Teacher and I had lots in common, as it turns out. He proposed beer and a bite, and I said of course. As we were leaving, teacher insisted that I take his iPod to listen to a band we'd been discussing (a love of great music gets me every time). Then, it hit me: had this transformed into a date? Panic did not set it, but I was curious...

Beer and a bite were great. Best time I had with a guy in a really long time. Teacher is intelligent, funny, well-read, and charasmatic. He actually talks as much as I do! We split the bill, and he walked me to my car. Now panic set in. I said a quick word or two and then was like, "well, I'd better go!" and teacher gave me a hug. Phew, I was saved - but was this a date? Ahhhh! The email from teacher 15 minutes later thanking me and including a "to-do list" based on our conversation that night made me think that maybe this was something...maybe.

Next day, we go to soccer practice. I'm the only girl. We play pick-up with randoms, then get beers. I impress teacher with my beer ordering skills, and my fallback choice (new castle) when sierra nevada is out. Teacher is intrigued, I am sure. Teacher mentions that he has to get home to play mariokart - the high school nerd in me is now intrigued. I want to play! Not this day, however...

Text messaging and emailing ensue for a few days. Teacher invites me to the A's game on Sunday. I semi-panic because I think this might be a date, but I'm still not sure. And I'm so exhausted from Kenny Chesney and Kole being annoying all night, I don't really have time to wonder. Plus, I'm comfortable around teacher so I'm not getting bijiggity. That's a nice feeling. After the game, I go to his place for a cold Dr. Pepper and some mariokart challenges. He didn't even let me win - I gave him a run for his money, though.

Things continue to go well and we talk almost daily. It's very nice. I had plans to go to Seattle last weekend so he came over late Thursday night as a surprise and watched Jimmy Fallon with me. He was concerned about coming over like that because he "really likes" me and "doesn't want to mess things up" - how's that for a surprise? Since when has a guy expressed something like that to me? Wow. I definitely agree with him and am enjoying just getting to know each other. We were both out of town for a few days so we didn't talk, but did text and email a bit - I'm afraid that once or twice our texts or emails have gotten misconstrued, which is a real risk of emailing or texting too much, I'm afraid...so I am going to minimize that.

The point of this post, which has turned into quite the ramble-fest, is to point out the irony of my current situation. I joined eHarmony and shelled out a good chunk of cash, and then started hanging out with this guy who had been right in front of me for almost a month. Hanging out with his guy is falling into place with that last paragraph from July 1st: I look forward to hearing from him; I do hear from him; more importantly, I look forward to seeing him and I do see him. For instance, I said: "supposedly, a guy who really likes me will make an effort to see me and make it known and all that good stuff." Teacher has invited me to do things, has driven over to see me, and has even told me straight out that he likes me and wants to see where this goes. Score! I also said: "dude and I get along well," that we "have things in common," and should "want to do things together." Talking a lot? Traveling? Camping? Music? Soccer? Beers? A's games? Mariokart? Score, Score, Score! And the most impressive of all - drumroll, please - I boldly suggested that I am looking for a relationship (yes, I said the "r" word) where we "actually see each other more than once every two months." Again, Score!

So this is going nicely. I actually feel kind of silly for writing it out, because I am really just going with the flow on this one and am liking the fact that it just is what it is. I just hope that my blogging about it doesn't go and jinx it...

boys are evil communication vixens

ok, so this whole modesto situation is getting silly, really. As my amazing friend Rox said in passing to me today, "what is his deal? he's wasting your time" (please note: I realize that other people, namely my baby sister, have expressed similar sentiments and I fully recognize that I have chosen to look past them). I've been thinking about that, and truly, I guess he kind of is. I mean, I'm emotionally invested. I would be all for being physically invested, yet he just doesn't put that extra effort in. We haven't seen each other since January. Yes, January. I feel like I've talked about this with him at least twice in earnest, now. He was in San Carlos for work last weekend and didn't think to tell me or ask to get together, and although he claims it's because he didn't know he would be there until 6am that day and didn't know where San Carlos was, it's not really an excuse. It reinforces the fact that he doesn't alter his plans/lifestyle to fit me in. We haven't hashed out these issues yet, although he groveled slightly, and I doubt we will tonight (I plan to drink a lot of wine with a friend and listen to jazz outside in a cute downtown neighborhood), but it's almost like, what's the point? I mean, he's obviously trying. But he's not trying enough. He wants me to know he cares, but he doesn't show it by making me a priority physically - only over the phone. I know I can't force my communication preferences or "relationship" preferences on someone, but not seeing each other in six months is a little ridiculous, and with him still in my life, I am not actively trying to meet other people. If others come up, I don't ignore them of course, but I'm not actively looking, either--and I'm not getting any younger.

Due to the above, I decided to go out on a limb and text cute IP attorney ("CIPA" for short?). I realize that texting is extremely passive, but in this case I decided that passive would suffice. He's passive. And either just really nice, completely obvlivious, or actually likes me, because he texted me back right away (god, I am SO drew barrymore in he's just not that into you right now! "he myspaced me"..."what about texter?"...grief. but at least CIPA and I had in-person interactions, too). Here is my breeziness:

Hey you! Coworker hasn't given it to me yet, but she told me you brought my jewelry to the pool party and I've been meaning to thank you. Hope all is well with you and you're enjoying summer (and the giants' decent record!). Would be nice to see you sometime!

Here is his completely ambiguous, utterly vague, yet reasonably instant response:

Things are good just got back from a quick fishing trip with my family so playing a little catchup but should slow down in a couple of weeks

What am I supposed to do with that? Timing of text (combined with length and amount of detail) suggests that he is just nice and responded because he felt obligated. Another option is that he is completely oblivious (as most guys are) to the fact that I'm a GIRL and am trying to get something out of this so his responding sends me false hope. Final option is, maybe he actually likes me. Even if this is the case, however, what do I do with his response? He tells me what he's up to, but doesn't suggest we get together (even though I gave him a chance to do so). On the other hand, he says that he's currently busy, but will be slowing down in the next few weeks, implying that he may be available to get together in the near future. Fascinating. Giving me just enough to wonder whether he's interested or not. Boys are evil communication vixens. And in all likelihood, they don't even know it - I can almost guarantee that CIPA doesn't know it. he's just off in his own CIPA world, fishing with his family, going to giants games, and getting random texts from me.

Truth be told, neither of these guys is probably right for me. Supposedly, a guy who really likes me will make an effort to see me and make it known and all that good stuff. But when the options are limited, it's more fun to stir up something than to have nothing at all. And neither modesto nor CIPA are bad guys. They're just not giving me EVERYTHING that I want. In the meantime, though, I don't have a guy in my life that is giving me that EVERYTHING. And I don't mean that in the "here is my checklist of what a guy should have," either. We're talking bare-bones, dude and I get along well, have things in common, want to do things together, are attracted to each other, and actually see each other more than once every two months. That's my order. Think I can put it in at www.getmeaboyfriend.com or something?

*buh-bah, buh-bah, this is the sound of settling*

this is all I have to post tonight. as poignant as it is heart-breaking.

read this article all about how single women in their late twenties and early thirties should "settle early" to avoid loneliness and regret into their forties and beyond.

is one of us supposed to be a DOG in this scenario?

To quote one of my favorite movies, "When Harry Met Sally":

Harry: Why can't we get past this? I mean, are we gonna carry this thing around forever?
Sally: Forever? It just happened.
Harry: It happened three weeks ago. You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?
Sally: Yes.
Sally: Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?

Not quite the same situation, but it's all I could think about following a phone conversation with modesto the other night. He called to ask whether he should get a dog. Specifically, he asked me to convince him not to. I proceeded to list some con's and then he said something like, "ok, thanks, I'm going to tell everyone that you're the reason I'm not getting a dog." This is modesto's idea of humor, of course, but it provoked an interesting conversation. In going through all of the responsibilities that having a puppy entails, including not just the intial bonding period where one should be with the puppy as much as possible all day, and probably shouldn't leave the puppy for more than a couple hours at a time, we found that many of them mirror the responsibilities of a relationship.
One interesting tidbit:

modesto: I'm so busy, I don't think I have time for a dog...but then I wonder whether I'm ever going to get less busy...besides, what's the difference between getting one now and waiting a few years?
me: You might miss out on a really great dog.
modesto: There are other dogs out there.

And another:

modesto: I mean, I have tennis on monday, basketball on tuesday, class on wednesday, and friday is [best friend and his wife] night...I'm content with the way things are and don't think I want to give any of those things up right now.

I proceeded to say something like, "I guess it's all about priorities," and modesto did not like that at all. In fact, he called me a jerk (weird thing to call a girl, but to each his own). Nonetheless, he knew it rang true, as illustrated in another comment he made. This was probably the most telling (likely because it was not pure puppy analogy):

modesto: I mean, I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I can't even find time for a relationship, let alone a puppy. A puppy depends solely on me, and that's too much right now. I can't even adapt my schedule for a relationship...

Mmm-hmmm. Interesting, modesto, very interesting. His actions over the past nine months (yes, I know, it's ridiculous that we have been talking for nearly nine months) reflect this sentiment. Ironically, in discussing the puppy, modesto was most "clear" or "honest" about his unwillingness to change his schedule, or, even worse, to commit to something not already included in his busy life. This was oddly refreshing to me, because it was finally out there. I feel like I should just cut ties with him completely at this point, but I'm still enjoying interacting with him, even if minimally (i.e. not in person) so I'm not having another "go away" talk just yet. I only want to do this because I feel like I should do it. So I'm not going to until I feel like I want to, not just that I should.

As far as I'm concerned, we need to hang out more in person soon so that we can choose from one of two options: (1) that we don't like each other as much as we thought and are going to stop talking; or (2) that we do like each other as much as we think and are going to figure out how to make this work.

uh-oh...

Apparently, I didn't quite cut the umbilical cord.

Modesto and I had an interesting conversation this weekend. It was via text. Funny how that works out, huh? I'm willing to let this continue for a little bit longer, although I have not yet determined how much longer. The fact that we have our most serious talks via text doesn't bother me as much as it probably should, because I feel more comfortable saying whatever I want via text, too, and tend to probably start the conversations because I figure I'll get a straight answer that way. I'd have these conversations in person if I had the chance, but I'd rather not have them over the phone...

Supposedly modesto is going to be more aggressive and make time for me. Supposedly. Do I believe him? Not until I see it happen. I'm not going to be invested like I was before - I have too long a pattern of him not following through to invest like that again without validation.

He claims I'm special, and that he values me in his life. I wonder why he didn't just say these things before. I guess he was "scared" or afraid of the distance or what-have-you, but I think we've both realized that there is something there, and we have to give it an opportunity before we can move on. For my part, I was totally over it, but then realized that cute attorney, although cute, smart, etc., etc., wasn't willing to put in the time. Modesto doesn't put in as much effort as he should, but he's consistent. And he doesn't commit just to flake on me - he just doesn't commit at all. He knows that's what needs to change for this to work. And while I don't know that he wanted it to work before because of the distance/fear, etc., this text from last night was exceptionally telling:

I can't be emotionally available [with someone else] until something happens or doesn't happen with you.

Ironically, this is exactly how I feel. Modesto and I are on the same page - who knew? I've been looking elsewhere to no avail, and I can't realistically date someone else (i.e. be 'emotionally available') unless and until I figure out what is up with modesto, because he is still in my life, and I'm obviously not ready to have him completely out of it just yet. He admits that he was fixed up with someone recently, but that "it just wasn't there" (not sure when - and the jealous girl side of me really wants to know details, yet I am resisting poking at that one because over the past 8+ months we've been talking, I definitely acted like I was single). That's how I've felt, too. Lack luster. And yet, there's always modesto...always putting a smile on my face and thinking of me. Reciprocating a lot of what I'm looking for, minus the actual hanging out part. If we could fix that, we'd be golden. It may sound ridiculous, but it's ok if something happens.

Another telling snippet of our text conversation?

Me: "I can't believe we met randomly online. I feel like we get along really well and I'm serious when I say I don't want to just toss that aside without seeing what it is. That may be slightly heavy for a 2 a.m. text conversation, but I mean it."

Modesto: "I completely agree and that makes this so difficult. If it wasn't something that I felt was different I would have tossed it aside a long time ago and wouldn't have thought twice. You make it kind of difficult to do that though..."

So now it's a waiting game. And it's his move.

busy b

I have had numerous urges to post a blog over the past six weeks, but have not had time (or, if I had the time, had no internet! darn it, pirated wireless, I loved you so!). I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions over the past few weeks, going from super happy and relaxed to so overly stressed that I actually went to the doctor, fearing I was suffering from anxiety attacks. [sidenote: doctor believes I have allergy-related asthma, but I don't know yet] Work was a wild part of this ride, giving me too many projects and corresponding deadlines at once. Although I got them all done, it was not a pleasant process, and I realized that I have significant control over my own stress levels. I need to shake my procrastination habit and get things out of the way quickly. More importantly, I need to push through challenging tasks that I put off because I don't think I can do them. I'm going to have to figure out how to do them one way or another in the end so I might as well try to push through the not knowing sooner rather than later, and avoid the "oh shit, there is no way for me to finish all of this" when I have barely any time left to make a deadline.

So, yeah, that was an unpleasant lesson to learn, but let's hope it sticks.

Due to all of this work-related stress, my health has suffered. I haven't attended spin class in 4-5 weeks, and I love spin class. Seriously, I can't believe how much I enjoy walking out of the gym at 6:45a.m. already having done an insane workout. My body was feeling fabulous after a few weeks. I need to get back on the horse and just suck it up and go to the new gym this week. Yes, NEW gym - I moved last weekend. I'm in Mountain View and soooo excited. I have gone for a walk or a run every evening since I moved there - the neighborhood is comfortable, safe feeling, and pretty. The trees are plentiful and the homes are gorgeous. They remind me of Capitol Hill in Seattle so I'm feeling better about my living situation. Plus, I signed a 14 month lease so I won't be moving for awhile, yeah! I'm almost all the way moved in - just some desk items and finding some sort of a wine rack and it will be good.

Guy department is essentially null and void. Cute attorney and I have had a few interactions since my last post--in fact, I don't think I ever got around to posting about cute attorney. He seemed to have so much potential, but that went away incredibly quickly. Or, well, not as quickly as it perhaps should have - he gave me just enough to think it could or would continue or develop into something, but then, as quickly as it started, it ended. I seriously do NOT understand how guys can put on a show, or act in ways that indicate one thing, yet want another. Are they in denial? Are they just "trying to be nice?" Are they "scared" of a relationship or of giving up their bachelorhood?

Or (worst of all) do they just not like me?

I feel that there are enough singles and dating websites and magazine columns and experts and such that I am not the only one with this problem; however, it is discouraging. How many times do I have to experience meeting a nice, intelligent, attractive guy who I actually have good chemistry with--and one who, mind you, acts as if he feels the same way--just to have him disappear on me? What am I doing wrong? What is not there between us that I am missing? What is there for the first few dates, and then not enough to turn it into a relationship? I'm at a loss as to what I should be doing differently. Some friends say I need someone a little older than me who has his "ducks in a row" and is ready to be in a relationship, but other friends say things like, "yeah, but something has got to be wrong with a guy who is 35 and not married yet." Nice. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. So the young guys aren't interested in a relationship, but the older guys are relationship-retarded.

All of that said, I have been focusing on my work and myself and trying to get happy with me before someone else is part of my life...but getting through is a day by day process. It would be great to share the trials and tribulations of work with a companion who can just give me a hug after a crappy day. Or to have a camping trip planned for the weekend with a special somebody whose company I enjoy. But those days will come. For now, I'm in my new apartment and trying to push through at work. I'm a busy b, and these things seem to have a way of working themselves out...